So, I have accepted that there is no way of saying this that will not make me sound a little crazy. 

Lucifer has indicated that if I learn astral travel, he will have sex with me. 

Look, I was just trying to ask him about whether offering orgasms was OK, because practice good consent at all times, including with the divine! But the conversation went in a very different direction. 

The sense I got is that he mainly just really wants me to learn astral projection and realizes that the most powerful motivation he can give me is… Lightbringer dick. 

At first I thought I was off the deep end. But then I did some reading (mostly in the chapters on witchcraft in “The Devil: A New Biography” by Philip C. Almond) and became acquainted with the idea that the infamous, orgiastic Witch’s Sabbaths might have been astral experiences. 

Makes total sense and is apparently a common reading. The whole flying thing? Astral flight. Flying ointments? Psychedelics, maaaan. Sex with Lucifer and other devils and demons? Astral sex. 

So let’s just say that, obviously, I would be far from the first. There is a lot of precedent for witches getting it on with the Prince of Darkness. It’s pretty damn traditional, actually. In fact, if certain reports are to be believed, Lucifer has been a bit of a slut. (Would that really be surprising? He’s a Devil!)

I’m still wrestling with this. On the one hand, my skeptical side is yelling at me. You’re crazy, your meds aren’t working, etc. Only, my meds are working, quite well in fact. My mood is stable, I’m functioning better than usual at work and in my social life, and I am way less dissociated from my body than previously. 

Aside from questioning my sanity, I’ve been leery in the past of people who claim to be Godspouses and have astral sex with deities. Partly because some of those people seemed less than credible, but mainly because I’ve been a judgmental asshole. Sure, some Godspouses might deserve the side-eye, but you can say that of literally any group of people. 

And again, as I said before– witches fucking Satan? Apparently used to be insanely common. 

And there are… resources, for this sort of thing? In fact, I found two books (two!) containing chapters on sex with divine beings, for sale in my own workplace! (Wat.)

I also realized I have an acquaintance who I have never considered crazy, even though she can often be seen having conversations out loud with her God in public, who might be able to give me some insight on this stuff. I had a lovely conversation with her. She was very reassuring and understanding. She told me that yes, feeling like I was crazy was part of the process, and that at first it would all seem like a lot, but that I would get used to it. She also told me some horrifying stories about the way others have treated her that really kind of broke my heart. 

A lot of people talk to their God/s and never hear Them talk back. When we hear them, or feel them, it’s natural to feel like we’re going insane. But the truth is that it’s a wonderful gift. We are lucky ones. I guarantee you that there are millions of believers in the world right now having mini break-downs because they call out to God and never feel answered. Sometimes this might be because they have sort of quiet Gods, sometimes it might be because they won’t allow themselves to listen. Sometimes it would even be destructive to the point of their faiths to have too much evidence, since belief without evidence is a legit spiritual path. But it makes me sort of sad anyway. 

So, yes. Lucifer has been talking to me, and I have felt him touch me, and apparently we are going to have sex. And all of that is weird, but it’s not really all that weird or unusual when you get right down to it, 

Because?

Turns out I’m a Satanic Witch, just doing some pretty goddamn normal Satanic Witch shit. 

Go figure.