Tag Archives: luciferianism

Guest Post: What is an Inner God? by Frater Babalon

Homily at Church of the Morningstar on 3/18/2023

So as part of my theology I firmly believe that every human being is possessed of an inner god.  This god is utterly benevolent towards the person it is a part of.  They love us, as we ought to love ourselves.  They are the part of us that knows how to keep moving, to keep loving through the hardest shit in the world.  They can banish any frightening spiritual force.  They give us our capacity for compassion, and moral reasoning.

It’s weird, but I think most of us have experienced something like our inner god at some point.  That voice within us that is kind, and that holds us together in the face of hardship.  It is the voice that gets you through.  And it can be drowned out by so many things in life, fear and other people’s unkindness, our own pain, innumerable things.  I don’t believe the world is naturally a just place.  I don’t think the ledger is balanced by some divine hand in the end.  Justice is up to us.  So I don’t think that our inner gods can always yell over the din, we have to find a way to listen.  They are a resource we can turn to if we know how.  

The inner god is a concept about which I still have a lot of theological questions.  Are inner gods one per person?  Given the same information, will all inner gods reach the same moral conclusion?  If morality is too complex to be axiomatic (as in reduced to a series of axioms) but they would come to the same conclusion, would that be to suggest there is some absolute morality?  Objectively true in itself?  But of course, I think there is usually more than one “right” answer to most things, and of course there are a lot of times where there’s not really a good answer, just a lot of least bad answers and unavoidable collateral damage.

But I mean I suppose, despite their lack of omnipotence, inner gods are the closest thing to the vast and ineffable “big god” style gods to me.  Every human being contains that sacredness, and of course, the sacred is also the potentially dangerous, isn’t it?  We all know about wrathful gods.  I think a mistreated god is likely to become a wrathful god.  As well, I don’t know whether if everyone truly listened to their inner god if there would be no conflict?  I’m not sure it would.  I do not think we live in a clockwork universe where when everything is “working properly” we function as a well oiled machine, each piece fitting perfectly into place, never bashing into one another.  We’re not a puzzle with loops and blanks perfectly aligned, destined to make a perfect whole if we all just find our right place, I think.  But if that’s true… what is this?  What is it for?  Why do we have it?  How do we do it?

This is a hard sermon to write, because for me the inner god is so deeply a felt experience, that trying to describe it, to explain a rational theology of the inner god, to explain what conclusions I draw from this felt experience, and I think it’s a good exercise, a useful thing to actually think about.  I think it must be for something in a way, but of course like any idea of human life having a purpose, anything articulable is unsatisfactory.  If we were to know that the purpose of human life is to provide the… specific atmospheric conditions necessary for the universe to function optimally as a doorstop for the cosmic crystalline unicorn that exists outside of time, that would still be unsatisfactory because then we’d wonder what the unicorn was for.  

But of course “forness” is like… a concept that exists within human life.  Purpose is something that exists on too small and specific a scale to cover a whole life I think.  It’s like asking “what color is a human life?” there’s too much color in a human life to answer the question, there are too many human lives to answer the question.  I don’t know.

Now, of course, believing every human being is divine and being as you all know, not someone who preaches pacifism or tolerance for injustice, is a complex thing.  What does it mean to believe in the divinity of humanity and to acknowledge that as long as there is oppression, there may be the necessity of things like wars?

Well, I mean to me it means acknowledging the full weight of that.  The full weight of both the need to combat all oppression and the true potential cost of combating it.  It requires a serious commitment to thinking about the strategies you employ and choices you make.

I do think that there is something to be said for trying to listen for the inner god.  I think we’re happier and generally kinder to one another when we do, but how and why that works?  That’s a mystery of my faith, the way the nature of the trinity might be to a Christian.

I don’t know, it’s the thing that keeps you moving when it’s freezing and you’ll die if you don’t keep walking.  It’s the thing you hold onto.  That’s what I’ve got.  That’s all I’m sure of.

Exit from Eden: On Our Lack of Filial Piety

GENESIS 3 

Now the serpent was more subtil than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said unto the woman, Yea, hath God said, Ye shall not eat of every tree of the garden?

2 And the woman said unto the serpent, We may eat of the fruit of the trees of the garden:

3 But of the fruit of the tree which is in the midst of the garden, God hath said, Ye shall not eat of it, neither shall ye touch it, lest ye die.

4 And the serpent said unto the woman, Ye shall not surely die:

5 For God doth know that in the day ye eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and ye shall be as gods, knowing good and evil.

6 And when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree to be desired to make one wise, she took of the fruit thereof, and did eat, and gave also unto her husband with her; and he did eat.

7 And the eyes of them both were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together, and made themselves aprons.

8 And they heard the voice of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day: and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God amongst the trees of the garden.

9 And the Lord God called unto Adam, and said unto him, Where art thou?

10 And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked; and I hid myself.

11 And he said, Who told thee that thou wast naked? Hast thou eaten of the tree, whereof I commanded thee that thou shouldest not eat?

12 And the man said, The woman whom thou gavest to be with me, she gave me of the tree, and I did eat.

13 And the Lord God said unto the woman, What is this that thou hast done? And the woman said, The serpent beguiled me, and I did eat.

14 And the Lord God said unto the serpent, Because thou hast done this, thou art cursed above all cattle, and above every beast of the field; upon thy belly shalt thou go, and dust shalt thou eat all the days of thy life:

15 And I will put enmity between thee and the woman, and between thy seed and her seed; it shall bruise thy head, and thou shalt bruise his heel.

16 Unto the woman he said, I will greatly multiply thy sorrow and thy conception; in sorrow thou shalt bring forth children; and thy desire shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee.

17 And unto Adam he said, Because thou hast hearkened unto the voice of thy wife, and hast eaten of the tree, of which I commanded thee, saying, Thou shalt not eat of it: cursed is the ground for thy sake; in sorrow shalt thou eat of it all the days of thy life;

18 Thorns also and thistles shall it bring forth to thee; and thou shalt eat the herb of the field;

19 In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground; for out of it wast thou taken: for dust thou art, and unto dust shalt thou return.

20 And Adam called his wife’s name Eve; because she was the mother of all living.

21 Unto Adam also and to his wife did the Lord God make coats of skins, and clothed them.

22 And the Lord God said, Behold, the man is become as one of us, to know good and evil: and now, lest he put forth his hand, and take also of the tree of life, and eat, and live for ever:

23 Therefore the Lord God sent him forth from the garden of Eden, to till the ground from whence he was taken.

24 So he drove out the man; and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden Cherubims, and a flaming sword which turned every way, to keep the way of the tree of life.

The Bible passage I just read you is Chapter 3 of Genesis– in the King James translation, for no special reason except that it’s pretty. 

This is probably the most important text to Satanism. The story of the Fall from Eden is a strange one. Like the serpent himself, it has been provoking people to doubt and to ask questions for centuries– actually, for millenia. 

If you’re in this church today, you’ve probably thought hard about this story before. You probably already think that God was a controlling asshole for denying Adam and Eve knowledge of good and evil. You might think of the serpent as a messiah, saving Eve and her husband from ignorance and powerlessness. You may see Eve as a hero for bravely accepting the serpent’s challenge, risking death for a chance at knowledge. 

This story can be read and dissected in endless ways. This text is rich and deep, and every line of it deserves analysis. Today, however, I’m going to talk about this story in one specific way– as a parable about coming of age. 

I don’t believe this story, or any of the other stories we tell, is literal truth. This is not history. This is not a record of fact. However, to me, it is still undeniably true. It’s not a story about something that happened– it’s a story about things that happen, all the time, all around us, in every life– because we all grow up. 

Eve and Adam exist in childlike innocence. All of their physical needs are provided for by the Garden. They need no clothes, because the weather is always mild. They eat the fruit of all the trees and plants around them– except for one. They don’t have to think for themselves, because God, their father, tells them what to do.

Some people think of Eden as a time of innocent bliss, a state we should all yearn to return to. Some people think of childhood that way as well. After all, it should be a simple and protected existence. Complications like making decisions, having sex, or fending for yourself to survive have not yet been introduced. No wonder some people miss childhood, and romanticize Eden. 

But you are sitting here in this church, and so, that’s probably not the way you feel about childhood. 

I can speak only from anecdotal evidence based on the Satanists, Luciferians, and other Left-Hand-Pathers who I know, but the single most predictive trait for converting to these paths seems to be a complicated relationship with childhood and one’s parents. We are almost all people who, like Eve and Adam, were compelled to break away from parental authority. All humans have to do this at some point, to a greater or lesser extent. For us, perhaps, it was a stronger compulsion than for others. This may have been due to trauma, abuse, control, neglect, overprotectiveness, smothering, or indoctrination into an oppressive religion. This may have been because we turned out queerer or transer or more physically disabled or less neurotypical than our parents may have liked. 

God supposedly made Eve and Adam in his image. Many parents try to make their children in their images, attempting to mold them into little copies of themselves. But as much as we may all be like our parents in certain ways, children are always more than the sum of their progenitors. 

It is inevitable that a child will develop questions, curiosity, and free will. No matter how sheltered or how strictly controlled, sooner or later, a serpent gets into the garden. The child encounters something that makes them think, that makes them yearn for more. Maybe it’s a new friend, a book, a movie, a band. 

For me, my serpent was this story itself. As a child I was sent to Waldorf, a bizarrely religious system of schools based on the teachings of a 19th century Austrian occultist. Part of my education in Waldorf included mandatory assemblies where we watched religious pageants reminiscent of Medieval mystery plays. One of the plays performed most often– at least once a year– was the Paradise Play. The Paradise play was a re-enactment of the fall from Eden. It was always really boring until the Devil showed up, played by a teacher in a wild costume and lots of red and orange fiery makeup. No one really clapped or cheered for anyone but the Devil, even though the play was clearly supposed to be on the side of God. 

I sat through this damn play so many times that I inevitably started to notice that the Devil was right. God was controlling, misogynist, an anti-intellectual, and even seemed to want to discourage the consumption of healthy produce. The beginnings of my Luciferian conversion happened right there, around the age of twelve, sitting in an uncomfortable little wooden chair in a Waldorf assembly hall. 

Whatever the catalyst for rebellion– be it new ideas, exposure to exciting media, a ‘cooler’ and more daring set of friends, or simply the onset of teenage hormones– once rebellion against the parents has been set in motion, it is impossible to stop. 

Hell truly hath no fury like a teenager who has begun to question the rules. Eating the forbidden fruit is painful. They don’t call it teen angst for nothing. The awakening of libido is confusing enough without all the other tasks of adolescence– forming an identity, growing a different body, developing a moral compass, coming up with your own ideas and opinions about the world. Teens wake up not just to themselves, but to the realities of unjust societies. Life is not a happy walled garden, as it may have seemed in childhood. There is struggle, and pain, and war and death and unfairness. There is evil. Once you take a bite of that apple and have those revelations, there’s no going back to the way things were. 

Parents respond to teenage rebellion in various ways. If they are good parents, they find ways to reconcile with their children and accept their new identities. If they are bad parents they react with anger and excessive punishment– and may even kick their kids out of the house, as God did with Adam and Eve. 

But whether parents are kind and fair or not, we all eventually have to leave the nest and fend for ourselves. Our lives and actions become our own responsibilities. This is hard and painful, but also rewarding. It is the price of freedom. (In a capitalist society, that price is way higher than it needs to be, but that’s another sermon.)

Many people are attracted to Satanism, I think, partly because they sense that this religion will not judge them for having complicated feelings about their parents– or even cutting their parents off entirely. Lucifer made a clean break with his Father, after all. They’ve been no-contact since the dawn of time! 

Satanists, in other words, are often not just apostates from their original religions, but also from their families. In practical terms, that’s often what being an apostate from a religion means, if you were raised in it. 

Fortunately, we have no enshrined virtue of filial piety here. “Honor thy father and thy mother” is not a commandment we are bound by. We recognize that parents are human beings, and imperfect, some good and some bad and some worse. Some of them are not worthy of honor from their children, and some are not worthy of honor from much of anyone at all. 

Of course we do not vilify all parents. Many of us are lucky enough to have one or more decent parents. Many of us will someday be parents ourselves. 

And to those of you who will be parents, I want to propose a new virtue– parental piety. Don’t tell your children to honor you– honor them. When their Eden moment comes, and rebellion kicks in, remember your own adolescence. Adam and Eve certainly went through great pains with their own children, like when little Cain got mad, hit his brother on the head, and accidentally discovered death. If being a child is hard, being a parent is no easier.

The difference is that parents are adults. They have eaten of the fruit of knowledge. They know good and evil, they know right from wrong. They know better, in other words– or at least, they are supposed to. 

So instead of bellowing at kids to “honor thy father and thy mother,” let’s tell parents to gently honor their children. “Honor” is a great big concept, too meaty for a small child to grasp. You may work your fingers to the bone providing for your kids, cleaning up their messes, washing them, feeding them, and clothing them– but a kid will never understand what the hell that means, not really. Not until they are grown enough to have to do all that for themselves, and maybe even for their own offspring. Demanding gratitude from kids is a waste of time. They can’t even conceptualize what they’re meant to be grateful for. 

Instead, you be grateful for your kids. Remind yourself that it is a privilege and an honor to bring them into the world and raise them– that above all, it is a privilege to know them. Forget this at your peril, because otherwise you may find yourself old and lonely, wondering why they never write, call or visit. If you were a good parent, one day they will express their gratitude– I guarantee it. If they never do, you likely don’t deserve it. 

I want to end this sermon on a personal note. As some of you may know, early this year I cut off all contact with my biological mother. Since I did that, my life has gotten immeasurably better. I have now moved across the country without telling my mother my new address, and am absolutely delighted to know that ze probably has no idea where I even live. 

As my thirty-second birthday approaches, I find myself a little bit triggered. I know ze will be thinking about me, on the anniversary of the day on which ze expelled me from zir body, an arduous and painful act for which I can still feel gratitude and respect, if for nothing else. I know ze will want to contact me on that day, or try to send me a present. I’m experiencing anxiety at the idea of a package or card forwarded to me from my old address– a guilt trip wrapped in birthday wishes, a gift with heavy strings attached. I can’t imagine anything I want less. 

Ze probably has no idea why I cut off contact. I’m not usually a fan of “if you don’t know why I’m mad, I can’t tell you,” but at this point I’ve given up on trying to explain to my mother the ways that ze has damaged me, and continues to damage me. I’ve given up on trying to draw boundaries with a person who immediately moves the goalposts, whose response to any request for privacy and respect is “I know you said you don’t wanna hear about X, but…” 

I recognize that my mother is traumatized, that my mother’s parents were even worse at parenting than ze was. I have compassion. And, I have absolutely no desire to know zir or talk to zir ever again. It has been decades since I had an interaction with my mother that was anything less than exhausting. Quite simply, I’m done. 

And, I know my mother used to read my Satanic blog. I have blocked zir on wordpress, but that doesn’t stop zir from looking at my site while logged out. My fear of zir eyes on my words, and the violation thereof, has stopped me from posting publicly. It has silenced my voice on a platform that I was using to interact with my religious community. 

So today, I am going to be brave. After this service concludes, I will post this on my blog. If mom reads it, I don’t care. I believe I have something to offer to others through my words and my writing. I’m done shutting up. I know I have Lucifer in my corner when I speak up on my own behalf, in spite of my fear of my parent. I know the demons are rooting for me and supporting me in finding and building a family that supports me and brings me joy. 

I hope you know that you, too, have the forces of Hell on your side as you struggle with any pain your parents have caused you. Our independence, our self-determination, our individually developed identities, are precious and sacred. We can and will step beyond the shadows cast by our Creators, and into our own radiant light.

Be it so. 

Reblog if you are a Luciferian, Satanist or Demonolator.

My dash is too quiet. I need new people to follow. 

Can’t guarantee I will follow all of you because, well… you know how it is, us LHP types can’t always get along. But please reblog anyway to help us all find kindred spirits. Your blog might not be to my taste but it may be to someone else’s along the reblog chain!

To help us all out, feel free to put a brief description of your path in your reblog or in comments.

I’m a theistic Luciferian Satanist (Lucifer is my Satan and my path has stereotypical Luciferian and Satanic elements). 

Review: “The Synagogue of Satan” by Stanislaw Przybyszewski

This book was a frustrating experience. 

It started out full of promise, with passages of breathtaking beauty that seemed to capture the essence of Lucifer in a way that few texts can. 

Then a bit of confusing Nietzsche fanboyism crept in. Then came boatloads of soft polytheism. 

Then it moved into a retelling of the history of the Church that was flawed, biased and inaccurate on a Margaret Murray level. 

Finally, it ended on a note of sour nihilism. 

The portrayal of a beautiful, brilliant Satan in the beginning was degraded and twisted by the end. The one who had promised infinite gnosis and liberation was ultimately shown as offering only idiotic escapism and joyless intoxication. 

It was weird. It felt like the author started out with one idea of Satan and ended with another. It felt like a book that didn’t know what it wanted to be, devoid of consistent opinions, values or theology. The Promethean Lightbringer turns bitter and becomes the cruel, petty enemy of God and Christianity, even tormenting his own devotees to alleviate his frustration. In that sense, this ended up being a very Christian book– the character arc of Satan mirrored that in Paradise Lost. 

I have never read something that started out so moving and promising and ended so mediocre and empty. It reads exactly like what Christians think the experience of Satanism is– promises and dreams that crumble away to nothingness and pain. 

Can’t recommend, although I’ve posted some of the better passages from early on as quotes on this blog. 

That said, it’s interesting to read such a blatantly Satanic and little-known book from the 19th century. (And despite the problematic-sounding title, it contains very little antisemitism.)

My Reading and Resource List (Updated)

  • The Bible 
  • The Qur’an Will tell you nothing about Lucifer, because as a Satanic figure he is only present in Christianity. However, his Muslim opposite number, Iblis, is an arresting figure in his own right. You can learn a lot by comparing and contrasting these two entities. Also, Lucifer wants you to seek knowledge! In this time of rising Islamophobia, refuse to be ignorant. Learn about Islam.
  • Sefaria.org Collection of Jewish texts including the Torah. Side-by-side English and Hebrew.
  • Gnosis.org Collection of Gnostic texts.
  • Complete Books of Enoch, Dr. A Nyland Finding a lot that is profitable in this translation and the commentary. Learn about the Watchers and their kids, the Nephilim!
  • Pseudepigrapha.com Giant online collection of apocrypha and pseudepigrapha. Seems to be run by a Mormon. Sure.
  • Lucifer: Princeps by Peter Grey. Peter Grey is a bit of a blowhard, but this is a very useful book. I recommend it reluctantly but strongly. It’s primarily a survey of scriptural, apocryphal, and mythological sources for the Lucifer legend, and as such it’s quite valuable.
  • The Luminous Stone, diverse collection of writings on Lucifer from a number of Western occult and historical perspectives. A mixed bag. But hey, it’s writing specifically about Luciferianism that wasn’t done by Michael Ford, and therefore it is precious.
  • Hemaphrodeities by Raven Kaldera. Good book on transgender spirituality in general, sections on Lilith and Baphomet may be of particular interest.
  • The Devil: A New Biography by Philip C. Almond. History of the “idea” of the Christian Devil, traces his origins in scripture. Includes a bunch of fascinating and entertaining material on witchcraft in the middle ages, witch trials, exorcisms and possessions. (Did you know Catholics and Protestants were literally using possessions and exorcisms as a way of talking shit about each other? This and other fun facts in the book!)
  • The Birth of Satan by Gregory Mobley and T.J. Wray. Retraces a lot of ground covered in the first two chapters of the book above, but in way more detail. An analysis of the scriptural sources for Satan. Good, fast read.
  • The Book of Adam and Eve (Latin version) Contains an early version of the fall of Satan which probably inspired the account of the fall of Iblis in the Qu’ran.
  • All the Kabbalah You Really Need to Know A video lecture given by a friend of mine. Great crash-course.
  • The Devil’s Bride by Martin Ebon a neat little book about exorcism from a psychological stand point– particularly about demonic possession and exorcism as a cathartic ritual which leads to emotional healing. Reads as fairly skeptical but is surprisingly open-minded about ESP and psychokinesis. But not demons. OK! We all have our biases, I guess. Anyway, it’s a fun read, but by no means essential.
  • A Dictionary of Angels Including the Fallen Angels by Gustav Davidson What it says on the tin. Shouldn’t be your only source but if you happen to find yourself wondering who the fuck Cabriel is this probably beats Wikipedia for a first stop. Nicely cited and will lead you straight to better sources.
  • A History of Witchcraft: Sorcerers, Heretics and Pagans by Jeffrey Burton Russell A neat, elaborately illustrated little history of witchcraft aimed at the layperson, by a scholar who has written much lengthier works on the subject that I will soon be reading. Not perfect but fairly legit.
  • God and the State by Mikhail Bakunin Satanic anarchy?! Not really, except for the first chapter or so. Still, worth the read!
  • The Tawasin of Mansur Al-Hallaj Interested in Iblis/Satan in Islam/Sufism? This is essential.
  • On the Origin of the World Trippy gnostic gospel, including retelling of Eden sympathetic to the Snake and to eating the damn fruit.
  • The Testament of Solomon Potentially useful demonology and also weirdly goddamn funny.
  • The Lesser Key of Solomon Get your Goetia on.
  • Demoniality by Ludovico Sinistrari. A weirdly sympathetic Catholic text about Incubi.
  • Compendium Maleficarum An old witch-hunting manual. Contains a description of a supposed Satanic witchcraft initiation/black baptism, which I adapted for my own use with great success. Also lots of fascinating history and exciting spell ideas!
  • Zohar.com Do yourself a favor and create a fucking account. It’s free. Search one of the most fascinating occult texts and one of the most important sources on demonology, particularly regarding the Devil’s four consorts.
  • The Revolt of the Angels, Anatole France Amusing philosophical Luciferian novel.
  • Paradise Lost, John Milton Because your image of Lucifer probably comes largely from this. And also, because it’s amazing.
  • Duino Elegies, Rilke “Who, if I shouted, among the hierarchy of Angels, would hear me?“
  • Litanies of Satan, Baudelaire Just gorgeous, perfect for use as a prayer.
  • Eloa, Alfred de Vigny Not necessarily much spiritual content, but it’s fun. A poem about Lucifer seducing an angel.
  • The Demon, Mikhail Lermontov Apparently romantic poetry about Satan seducing pure-hearted maidens is practically a genre. This is more fun than Eloa.
  • The Marriage of Heaven and Hell, William Blake Beautiful, trippy, pro-Satanic, a fast read. Link is to full text.
  • La-Bas, Joris-Karl Huysmans A 19th century novel about Satanism. Gruesome, disturbing and not really Satan positive, but helpful for understanding how Satanism has been conceptualized.

Seven Deadly: Wrath

Aaaand we’re back after more than a year for another installment of ‘Seven Deadly!’ Last time we took a look at Pride in all of its positive and negative aspects. Today, we’re going to talk about Wrath. I’m your host, Me, and joining us today is a special guest– My Temper. 

If there’s one sin I’m guilty of– and there’s not just one, I’m very big on all of them– then it would be Wrath. Sure, I score pretty high on Pride, and I’m so devoted to Lust that I have a hard time thinking of it as a sin at all. But Wrath is the root of many of my problems.

It’s funny, because people don’t think of me as an angry person anymore. In fact, these days people are more likely to describe me as “patient” or “polite.” Frankly, that is the result of a lot of hard work, personal growth, and some good medication. Trust me, I wasn’t always so mellow. 

When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I was an extremely angry person. I used pretty much every platform and excuse for indignation and confrontation you could imagine— from arguing on the internet to physical confrontations. I was mean, and I liked to get drunk as an excuse to be even meaner.

It’s tempting to make fun of that behavior now, but the truth is? I had a really good reason to be so angry. 

(Content warnings for sexual abuse and trauma related things.)

You see, I had post-traumatic stress disorder from a kidnapping, and subsequent series of rapes, that I had survived. 

I was terrified and I was suffering. I could barely sleep, I had flashbacks and nightmares all the time, I was plagued by paranoia and delusions that somebody was in my house. I slept with a knife under my pillow. Every loud noise and sudden motion startled me so badly that I often dissolved into tears.

The secret motivators behind anger are usually: fear, pain, or offended righteousness. I had plenty of all three. Anger was my only comfort. The only taste of justice I ever got was imaginary, and provided by my murderous revenge fantasies.

Anger was my armor. Anger was the glue that held me together when I was falling apart. You see, that anger, as excessive and overwhelming as it was, was actually the healthiest thing I had at the time, because it came from the recognition that what happened to me was not right. If I hadn’t been mad as hell I would’ve been sitting around in despair thinking I deserved it. 

Anger is an energizer. When grief and depression threaten to drag you all the way down to the bottom of the pit, anger can pull you back up. When fear makes you feel small and helpless, anger can almost act as a substitute for courage. When the whole world is ugly and hopeless and unjust and wrong, your anger can feel like a beacon of hope, lonely though it may be. 

Anger was my defense mechanism. I was weak and brittle. Small things could’ve broken me, so I lashed out at others before they got close enough to hurt me.

Anger was my reason to be. It was my morning coffee. It got me out of bed and semi-conscious after my insomniac nights. It gave me something to hold on to other than the horrors of what had happened to me. 

Anger was the only expression of self-esteem (or Pride) that I had left to me. It was the only affirmation I felt worthy of. 

Over time, my anger deepened, and festered, and fermented, and simmered, until it became something beyond anger. It became Wrath. 

Wrath is not just irritation or getting a little bit ‘mad.’ Wrath is poisonous grudges cherished for years– and sudden, uncontrollable rages that flash out in an instant. Wrath is anger at its most powerful, and its most dangerous. Wrath is what you feel when you genuinely want to see someone else dead.

Some of you might be rolling your eyes right now, thinking I’m being melodramatic or reveling in my own edginess. Believe me, I am not bragging. The state I am talking about is not fun, it is not healthy. It is exhausting and it involves hurting everyone around you eventually. If you let it control you too much, it might get you thrown in prison or killed. 

Wrath like that has one function and one function only: to get you through when nothing else can. It’s like a powerful battlefield adrenal useful for life-or-dead situations, but deadly over the long term. 

More Mini Book Reviews

Compendium Maleficarum

This 17th-century witch-hunting manual is absolutely essential for understanding European views of Satanic witchcraft. It is also super entertaining, being full of wild anecdotes and fun bits of folklore about witchcraft, demons and the Devil. Best of all, I ended up finding it super useful and inspirational to my practice. It contains a black baptism ritual (which I adapted for my own use), and lots of spell casting ideas. I would put it in a “top five” list of books every theistic Satanist should read. (I have the Montague Summers edition, so that’s fun as well.)

The Marriage of Heaven and Hell by William Blake

This is a quick and mostly excellent read. I might not put it in a top five list of Satanic reads, but definitely top ten. It’s trippy, poetic and philosophical. In terms of style it reminded me of Thus Spoke Zarathustra more than anything else. It’s more of an inspirational text than an informational one but I found it to be VERY pro-Satanic and uplifting. And it took me all of twenty minutes to read.

Là-Bas by Joris-Karl Huysmans

A novel. This is a good read and it sheds a lot of light on how Satanism has been conceptualized. That said, I wouldn’t call it pro-Satanic. Satanism is basically portrayed as menacing and evil, yet attractive if you are a super alienated skeptic who longs for spiritual experience (I can’t really argue with that last part). It’s also a very gruesome text, and focuses on the alleged pedophiliac murders of Gilles de Rais. So, that’s what you’re in for, and it’s fucking explicit about it too, especially for being published in 1891. A lot of what it references is pretty well-researched based on what was available at the time. If you are interested in Satanism in literature and feel like reading a creepy, moody, 19th century French novel, then check it out. If you are easily upset by graphic child abuse content or by horrendous stereotypes about Satanism… skip it.