4. What drew you to this path? How long have you been on it?

It is hard to say exactly how long I have been on this path. A tarot reading I did implied that Lucifer first entered my life when I was a teenager. 

(Under a cut for non-explicit discussion of my own teenaged sexuality, and also for mention of rape trauma and self-harm.)

I think it might have actually been around the time I lost my virginity (14 years old), because discovering sexuality was this huge revelation that opened me up to all kinds of things in life– basically the entire physical dimension of existence. Previously I had existed totally disconnected from my body, in a depressive, prudish, intellectual dimension. I might as well have been a brain in a jar. (I was a very weird, serious, unhappy child.) Sex basically made me feel alive for the first time. 

Around that time I began to be strongly drawn to what I know recognize as Luciferian figures. I was fascinated by Catiline, the ancient Roman conspirator, revolutionary, bisexual libertine, and blasphemer (he had sex with a Vestal Virgin!). I was also very into Roy Batty from Blade Runner, and Howl from Howl’s Moving Castle. Both have a LOT of Luciferian stuff going on. 

I’d already begun sympathizing with the Serpent of Eden at this point, as I mentioned in a previous post. 

I forget exactly how old I was when this happened, but I had a trippy experience one night as either a preteen or a young teen where I looked up at a very bright “star” (it was probably Venus) and had a vivid sensation/”memory” of falling from heaven, and longing to get back. I stood there and cried for about twenty minutes as the strange, irrational feelings washed over me. I felt pain, sorrow, longing, and elation, all at once. I know believe this was the first time Lucifer actually called to me. 

When I was eighteen, I suffered a major trauma. (I was kidnapped and raped, basically.) My worldview and spirituality were shattered. I became a bitter, hardcore atheist for several years. During those years I suffered horribly from PTSD, insomnia, and psychotic features, and also descended into alcoholism and self-mutilation. 

I flirted with 12 Step meetings, but didn’t commit. I was turned off by all that “power greater than yourself” stuff. I couldn’t stay clean. I relapsed chronically. It was complete torture.

After hitting “rock bottom” at 23 and being admitted to a psychiatric hospital for four days, I started to admit that I needed some kind of “Higher Power” and to reluctantly call on it for help. I got a sponsor and actually started working the steps. I have been clean and sober since May 24th, 2012. 

In my early recovery, I was still a stubborn brat, so I started saying my Higher Power was “Satan” for a joke. Then I started to notice that some kind of force WAS working in my life– a force that was loving but not gentle, and only too willing to let me learn the hard way. At first I called this force “Obnoxious Coincidence,” but soon the “coincidences” stopped feeling like coincidences.

At some point, I stumbled upon Luciferianism. I had been exposed to various Satanisms before and had always been kind of turned off by them. Luciferianism, on the other hand, seemed almost tailor-made for me! The values of most Satanisms seemed to focus a little too much on egoism and material pleasures. Luciferianism embraced those things, but also made room for altruism, for being a “light bringer” in the world. There was an enhanced focus on rebellion and Promethean generosity. I knew right away that I had found what I was looking for. That was probably in… oh, 2014 or so. 

I started out atheistic. Then I became agnostic. Then I started dabbling in a little witchcraft.  

My hard turn into straight-up theism occurred fairly recently. I freely admit that it was partially facilitated by the suicide of my friend and 12-Step sponsee, and the impending death of my secondary partner by pancreatic cancer. The veil got pretty torn for me. In my time of need, I turned to witchcraft and to Lucifer more than ever before, and I found that the results were beyond my wildest expectations. 

That brings me to today. I am still not fully comfortable calling myself a theist– so many years of atheism and skepticism and Dawkins-worship conditioned me to feel ashamed and embarrassed. But I have started to remember that prior to my major trauma, I was a sensitive, mystical intuitive child, a child who read tarot and had lucid dreams and prophetic dreams. Being a complete woo spiritual fruitbat is actually my natural state. I feel that, in returning to it, I am finally reclaiming some of the last few things that trauma stole from me and that I had not yet taken back.