I apologize for being somewhat silent on this blog lately. My focus shifted for a bit, from inward and studious to outward and sensual. This focus shift has been incredibly profitable for me, though, and I am finally at a point where I want to try to share what I’ve learned. 

I think it started when Lucifer promised me a dream. I asked him if he would re-send the dream if necessary, since I don’t always have perfect dream recall– he agreed. Three nights in a row I tried to remember my dreams. On the third, I was successful. In the dream, I was reading strange tarot cards that were all emblazoned with the words “THOU ART GOD.” A ritual candle bearing the same words was burning nearby. Unlike in most dreams, that text did not shift or change when I looked away from it and then back. It remained consistent. (The shifting nature of text in dreams is so common and so pronounced that it can be used as a “state check” to see if one is dreaming in order to prompt a lucid dream.)

I knew I had received my dream from Lucifer, and that he was reminding me to seek apotheosis. 

I knew apotheosis, becoming one’s own god, was the ultimate goal of Luciferianism. Yet apotheosis had on some levels failed to inspire me. When I thought about becoming “god” or “godlike” I was still projecting what that would be based on the associations I have with the word “God,” which are essentially associations with the Demiurge. Becoming “like the most high” wasn’t really a goal I could relate to.

But after the dream, something clicked into place. I found myself striving to embody the divine in an infernal, rather than a heavenly, sense. I found myself striving to be more like MY god– like my beloved devil. 

Not that I want to be some kind of pale human imitation of Lucifer, mind you. Not at all. To try to be like Lucifer is to fail, because Lucifer is, first and foremost, unique and utterly himself. But it really helped me reframe my goals and get more excited about apotheosis to think of self-deification in more diabolical terms.

For those just tuning in, becoming diabolical isn’t about being “evil,” per se. Not to me. It’s more about principles of liberation, pleasure, self-indulgence, pride, power, creativity, rebellion, ingenuity, curiosity– also a certain fierceness and fire. The embracing of things sometimes considered sins– lust, vanity, greed, gluttony, although I try to take my sloth and wrath in small doses, and avoid envy altogether. 

I have found myself, slowly, becoming a more powerful, more compelling, more vital version of myself. I am growing in energy, pride, and boldness. I am blossoming. And I am getting more of what I want– maybe because I am asking for it, with confidence, grace and charm. 

I’m not about to get lazy. I’m not here to claim I have reached anything near apotheosis. But I can feel myself making the steps. I can feel myself becoming more of what I want to be. 

And that brings me such peace, such pride, such deep satisfaction.