I am unabashedly erotically attracted to Lucifer.

I think that’s one of the nice things about being a Luciferian, you know? You can mix sex and religion freely. The sacred and the profane are comfortable next to each other. You don’t have to do this– sexuality doesn’t mix in the practices of every Luciferian or Satanist– but it’s an option that is very open. There is literally nothing in my religion against it, and a lot that is arguably for it.

One of the reasons I am a Luciferian is that I am, to put it bluntly, a gay transsexual sadomasochistic slut. A lot of those things are more difficult to fit comfily into other religions, although it’s certainly possible– and may their God bless the sadmasochistic, transsexual, gay, and or slutty folks of stricter faiths who bravely make room for themselves in their seemingly inflexible religions! 

Personally, I really like having a religion where my gender and sexuality fit right in. 

There is a lot about S&M in particular that is stereotypically “diabolical.” And there is a lot about my relationship with Lucifer that feels, quite frankly, sadomasochistic. Sometimes there seems to be a wicked glee in the way he teaches me hard lessons– but there is also genuine love and care for me. It feels familiar, because it feels like interacting with leather folks.

Under a cut for length and lots of kinky content. 

I never thought I’d be saying this, but I come from kind of an old school of kink. Which is to say, a pre-Fifty Shades world, when the only people really doing kink were pretty much ferocious, dyed-in-the-wool perverts. 

Don’t get me wrong– much as I hate the series of books and everything it stands for, I am happy that more people are feeling comfy with experimenting with a little spank n’ tickle in the bedroom. That’s actually a good thing.

But when I came in, kinksters were still, by and large, a really intense lot. We were people who had developed our desires and fantasies early in life; and had been haunted and tormented, sometimes for years, sometimes for decades, by the idea that what we wanted was deeply bad and wrong. We were people whose kink was central to our identity and therefore our lives. When we found others like us, we experienced jubilation, ecstasy. Usually the immediate reaction was to go to all the kink events, visit all the dungeons, read all the instructional books, attend all the how-to-classes, acquire a shit-ton of play partners, and establish a huge circle of kinky friends.

Do you see where I am going with this? For me kink is not just an occasional thing, it’s a subculture, a core identity, a way of life. I’m not saying this is better than just occasionally breaking out the handcuffs in the bedroom– I am just saying it’s waaaaay different. 

Turns out, BDSM and kink have a long, rich history. The so-called “Leather” world is rich with its own traditions, mores, protocols, values, ethics, rituals, and rites of passage. I participate in kink on that level where I align myself with that culture. Even when I am not having sex or thinking about sex, kink permeates every aspect of my life. 

For example: I work at a kinky business. I secretary a kinky 12 step meeting. I am in a power exchange relationship where I have specific duties as the submissive– washing the dishes every night, kneeling to remove my Dom’s boots when he gets home, wearing a collar 24/7. To the extent possible due to physical and mental health, I consent to let him use me sexually whenever he wants while we are at home (or, I suppose, in any other venue where non-consenting innocent bystanders aren’t around). When he asks me to do something, I obey immediately. He does not abuse his power and he cares for me in a wonderful way. 

I also have a submissives of my own. One of my slaves just passed away in November. I am in deep mourning for him. The rest of my subs rally around me in my grief, offering me comfort and joy. 

I also have a Leather Mentor, a more experienced leatherman who I asked to help me take my knowledge to the next level. I started this mentorship after already being active in kink for 8 years and having a decent range of skills and experience. My Mentor assigns reading and writing assignments, and offers advice when I turn to him looking for help with some aspect of my power exchange relationships. 

In all my interactions in the kink world, I must be mindful that I represent not only myself, but also my Owner, my subs, and my Mentor– and also the kinky business I work for. I must always strive to reflect positively on all of those people. 

In addition to all that, I have a wide circle of kinky friends and chosen Leather Family. This includes my ex-fiancee and former Owner, their spouse, and many, many others. A large portion of my recovery network comes from people I met at the kinky 12-step group. Basically, kinksters are my main source of love, support, and socialization, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Lifestyle kinksters are an interesting bunch. We skew towards the quirky, the nerdy, and the witchy. A few groups over-represented in the kink world include: DnD players, Motorcycle riders, ex-Military, witches and pagans, and, for some reason, Eagle Scouts. We are basically a bunch of loveable, intense, goofballs and nerds. We GEEK OUT over bondage ties, whip techniques, new toys, new skills. Most of us are always eager to try new things, learn new tricks, and expand our knowledge. 

We also tend to be consensually sadomasochistic even in our social interactions with each other– there’s a lot of rough teasing, although no rougher than is fun, needling each other, calling out each-other’s foibles in a snarky yet loving way. Tough rough love, all around. We can also be tender to each other though, of course. We know the meaning of “aftercare” and we are usually pretty good at reading energy and knowing when people need sweetness instead of ribbing. 

Is any of this sounding familiar yet? Or is it just me? OK, I will spell it out. 

The relentless pursuit of knowledge in the kink world reminds me of Luciferianism. The tough love of kinksters reminds me of Lucifer. 

This is probably not a profound revelation to anyone else, but I feel like involvement in the kink world really primed me for Luciferianism. I am used to reading a shit ton of books, challenging myself, picking myself up when I fall down, and remaining thirsty for new skills, new tools, new knowledge, new experience. 

I am also used to that friend who is kind of an asshole to you, but in the way that you really need and appreciate. Someone who is still tough on you when you are down, in a way that reminds you that you are too strong for self-pity. In other words, I’m used to friends like Lucifer. 

To clarify– Lucifer doesn’t feel like a Dom to me. He feels more like one of my platonic kinky friends. 

Or maybe, more accurately, Lucifer feels like my Leather Mentor. That pretty much sums up the nature of my relationship to him– friend and Mentor. Just as I have to be conscious of how my actions represent my Mentor, I feel I must be conscious of how my actions represent Lucifer and Luciferianism. 

So it feels like my Luciferianism and my kinky sexuality are supposed to mix. I am still feeling out how. I have tried self-flagellation as a means of ecstatic meditation, and for me, it was awesome. I incorporated a little bit of play-piercing into my birthday ritual, and that worked very well. (My birthday ritual was also almost exclusively attended by kinksters.) I’ve been really enjoying blasphemous religious role play scenes lately, and my Dominant mode is based on embodying the archetype of the Devil. But beyond that, I am not sure how my kink and my Luciferianism will continue to combine.

That’s OK. It’s an adventure. I will find out.