How to make communion hosts! (for Satanists)

So, you’re a Satanist, and you want to hold a Black Mass, so you need some hosts… but you feel like stealing wafers from your local church is just too risky and/or too much of an unnecessary dick move? 

Congratulations, I am here to help!

First of all, you can order hosts online. Or, you can make your own using the process below. Obviously they won’t be consecrated, but that’s OK. After all, as a Satanist, do you really want to rely on the blessing of a Catholic priest for your ritual supplies? Seize the power! Consecrate/curse your own hosts! (If you need ideas for ritual language, I will include a segment from the black mass in La Bas at the bottom of this post.)

So, how do you make a host? It’s surprisingly simple, and yet at the same time, a goddamn pain in the ass. 

First, preheat the oven to 425 degrees. Mix equal parts water and wheat flower into a batter. That’s it. Those are your only two ingredients. Sound easy? Well, here’s the catch– the resulting dough is sticky as all hell. It’s torture to mix and to knead. You will want to flour every surface it comes into contact with generously and repeatedly. 

So. Flour your hands. Flour a cutting board or cookie sheet (or cover it in butcher paper). Flour your rolling pin. Plop down that sticky, sticky Jesus dough and roll it out to a thickness of about 1/8 of an inch. Use a small cookie cutter to cut it into rounds. You will want to flour the cookie cutter. Feel free to curse as much as you need to during this process. You’re a fucking Satanist, after all. 

Once you have cut as many wafers out of that dough as possible, flour the tops of them lightly, and use a butter knife (or, if you are fancy, a stamp) to create the sign of the cross on top of them. 

Pop those little Christ cakes into the oven for 8-10 minutes. Watch ‘em carefully, you don’t want them to burn. They cook up fast. 

Remove from oven, let cool, and that’s it! 

To consecrate/curse, use the script below or come up with your own! I think the most important part of the language here is the very beginning, which I have in bold. Go ahead: command and compel Christ. Feel free to add “in the name of Satan” or similar, but it isn’t strictly necessary. Remember: thou art God. 

Happy blaspheming! 

“And thou, thou whom, in my quality of priest, I force, whether thou wilt or no, to descend into this host, to incarnate thyself in this bread, Jesus, Artisan of Hoaxes, Bandit of Homage, Robber of Affection, hear! Since the day when thou didst issue from the complaisant bowels of a Virgin, thou hast failed all thine engagements, belied all thy promises. Centuries have wept, awaiting thee, fugitive God, mute God! Thou wast to redeem man and thou hast not, thou wast to appear in thy glory, and thou sleepest. Go, lie, say to the wretch who appeals to thee, ‘Hope, be patient, suffer; the hospital of souls will receive thee; the angels will assist thee; Heaven opens to thee.’ Impostor! thou knowest well that the angels, disgusted at thine inertness, abandon thee! Thou wast to be the Interpreter of our plaints, the Chamberlain of our tears; thou wast to convey them to the Father and thou hast not done so, for this intercession would disturb thine eternal sleep of happy satiety.

Thou hast forgotten the poverty thou didst preach, enamored vassal of Banks! Thou hast seen the weak crushed beneath the press of profit; thou hast heard the death rattle of the timid, paralyzed by famine, of women disemboweled for a bit of bread, and thou hast caused the Chancery of thy Simoniacs, thy commercial representatives, thy Popes, to answer by dilatory excuses and evasive promises, sacristy Shyster, huckster God!

Master, whose inconceivable ferocity engenders life and inflicts it on the innocent whom thou darest damn—in the name of what original sin?—whom thou darest punish—by the virtue of what covenants?—we would have thee confess thine impudent cheats, thine inexpiable crimes! We would drive deeper the nails into thy hands, press down the crown of thorns upon thy brow, bring blood and water from the dry wounds of thy sides.

And that we can and will do by violating the quietude of thy body, Profaner of ample vices, Abstractor of stupid purities, cursed Nazarene, do-nothing King, coward God!”