CW: Discussion of suicidal feelings, of the concept of suicide as a metaphor for magic practices, also mention of rape, addiction, and other traumas. 

Here’s something I’ve learned from magic and Devil worship:

Whenever you need to kill yourself, do it.

Just never do it physically.

The initiatory path is a series of spiritual deaths and rebirths. Alchemy is a cycle of putrefaction, purification and perfection. The power of a magician and a Satanist is the power of self-creation, of assuming agency over identity and destiny, and a very large part of that comes from the willingness to die to oneself, to shed old masks and old identities and old lives and old relationships, again and again if necessary.

Growth hurts, and sometimes growth feels like dying. Think of the tarot cards Death, the Tower, the Hanged Man, and even the Wheel of Fortune, under which we are broken and upon which we rise, again and again and again. These are all cards of change, reversal, renewal, and catastrophe, resulting in something new. Crisis is necessary for change, and change is the essence of freedom.

Having been through a few spiritual deaths and rebirths— some intentional but most of them admittedly not— I can tell you that I no longer see myself as a single discrete entity, with one identity continuous between physical birth and death. Instead, I have come to believe in reincarnation within a single lifetime.

The child I was died at the threshold of adolescence. The teenage girl I was supposed to be was murdered when she was raped. The traumatized young woman who replaced her passed away when I transitioned to male, and was replaced with an angry young alcoholic man. He in turn died when I got sober, and so on, and so forth. These are only a few of the people I have been, just a handful of the brief lives I have lived in this single human lifetime.

The person I was yesterday does not have to be the person I am today. Any time I get to a point where I can’t stand myself anymore, I can always die and be reborn.

Easy as that? No, not easy. As hard as that. As hard and painful as dying, and just as liberating.

I believe it was Michelangelo who said he didn’t sculpt, he freed shapes from the stone. I look at myself as a raw block of marble. I take up the chisel and I cut away, until for the time I am satisfied. But only ever for a time. Later I may cut away more.

But even this metaphor is imperfect because I don’t just subtract, I add, and I am no longer convinced that my raw material is the same as what I had when I started out. In a very literal sense, it is not— none of the cells in my body are the same as the ones I had when I was born. I am a collection of free-wheeling atoms, coming and going, and I can let desires, dreams, personality traits, habits, opinions, all these little things that I think are me, come and go as well.

This is why I have had so many names and pseudonyms and stage names and pen names throughout my life. In the internet age taking on new handles and identifying with them comes easy. Magicians do this too— in systems like the Golden Dawn, many take on a new name with each new magical grade. This is useful. Names have power. New born things deserve new names, and if you have died and been reborn, so do you. What do you think baptism, that symbolic drowning followed by naming, is all about?

Is there some essential, platonic me-ness underneath it all? I don’t know. I do have a true, secret name I cling to, the name of my Godself, but I don’t pretend to know that self or to truly be that self for more than a few blessed, fleeting moments here and there. I believe in in my Godself, I hope to know and become that self, but in truth it is an abstraction, an ideal.

The human self I think I know is an illusion, impermanent. I have been many people throughout my life. I don’t look back on all of my dead selves with contempt, although some of them I undoubtedly do despise. All of them were just who I needed to be at the time, my best attempt at an identity for that moment. Prototypes.

Someday I may become the philosophers stone, something polished and pure and utterly Myself. But for now, I putrefy, I purify, I putrefy again. Death and rebirth in an endless cycle without my mortal heart skipping a beat.

And any time the depression hits, I become suicidal, I want to die– that is a sign that it may be time for me to spiritually die again. When my current life, circumstances, identity become unbearable, I can change. I can do something new. There is no need to hurt my physical self, no need to leave this plane. Instead I can embrace the process of putrefaction, of ego death, go willingly into the nigredo phase of the alchemical project once again. It’s only natural, and I believe we all do it.

I have struggled with feeling suicidal all my life, but now I know the truth. I do not want to physically die, or leave this world. I want to transform, to free myself, to grow.

And I can, and I do, again and again and again.

The world is on fire. We all know it and we try not to think about it. But verily I say unto you, my people– we are living in the end times, and we are all gonna die, unless we get our fucking shit together.

A new study predicts that, unless drastic and immediate action is taken, global heating will render the world virtually uninhabitable and bring about the end of civilization as we know it by 2050.

And yes, this is a Satanic problem.

Obviously it should be a problem for all people, since, no matter what our faith, every last one of us is going to burn– not in Hell, but here on Earth.

However, influential elements of the Christian Right are actively courting the apocalypse. They can’t wait for the second coming. They aren’t the least bit concerned about climate disaster, nor do they believe it is man-made. They believe it is the hand of God.

And these fucking wackadoodle doomsday cultists– for make no mistake, that is what they are– have the President’s ear. They have far more influence on American policy than do climate scientists. They are determining our destiny. They are winning.

And who’s gonna stand up to them?

If only there were a religious movement that could provide spirited, passionate opposition to them. A religious movement that does not revile the material world, but cherishes and reveals it. An anti-authoritarian religious movement that is in favor of science and progress. A religious movement dedicated to the Lord of this World. A movement like, oh… Satanism.

Yes, I am aware that Satanic doomsday cults exist. They should be embarrassed. They are doing the same work as right wing Christians, only less effectively. They are laughable.

True Satanism does not court Armageddon, and it isn’t going to take it lying down either. We are not the type of people who go gentle into that good night.

My friends, I teach you the Antichrist!

Our need is desperate. The hour is late. The situation is dire. We need a Messiah who will rage against the suicidal forces of capitalism, fascism, ignorance and doomsday cultism.

We need a Messiah who can maintain hope against all odds, and kindle it in the hearts of others.

This savior should hold reverence for nature in one hand, and the Promethean light of science and technology in the other, for we will need both if we are to be saved.

When conservative voices claim that this world of capitalism and “democracy” is the best of all possible worlds, and claim America is heaven on Earth, the Antichrist should call for a War in Heaven.

And who is the Antichrist?

Well, I am. And you are. And you are. And you, and you, and yes, you.

We must be a beast with many heads. We must rise up and swarm against the powers of the Demiurge, powers of capitalism, fascism, greed, apathy and despair. Those bastards might be ready to meet their Maker– or, more likely, they think they can sit the whole things out in their luxury bunkers. Fuck that. They don’t get to take the whole world with ’em.

The good news is, this is not your fault. Just 100 companies are responsible for 71% of carbon emissions. Sure, our individual emissions contribute, a little bit. But these 100 companies want you feeling guilty and disempowered and wringing your hands as you sort your recyclables. If you’re too busy feeling personally responsible for the destruction of the world, then you aren’t looking at them.

Know the enemy. Fight the enemy. The enemy is big oil. The enemy is capitalism. The enemy is global fascism and the Christian Right. Focus your ire on them. Hit them hard.

But how, I hear you ask? How should I begin? How can I accept the sacred charge of Antichrist, and rear up as a head of the Beast?

Good questions, and I wish I had all the answers. But I do have a few suggestions. Think of these actions as acts of devotion, as religious duties, as offerings.

1. Stop paying them to kill you. Big Oil relies heavily on investors. Who are some of their biggest investors? BANKS. Specifically Wells Fargo, Citibank, Bank of America, and JP Morgan Chase. If you bank with any of those, take your money elsewhere ASAP. It might not sound dramatic or heroic, but it’s one of the most impactful actions you as an individual can take against Big Oil without risking arrest. Consider switching to a credit union instead. Most of them will be a much better banking experience anyway and give you a better interest rate. It’s a pain in the ass to switch, but it’s worth it.
2. Spread awareness of the enemies list. Make as many people as possible aware that climate change is largely fueled by a handful of greedy oil CEOs. We need the entire world to get mad as fuck about it. Posting on social media is a start, but it’s not enough. Post fliers. Drop banners. Put stickers everywhere. Have face-to-face conversations. We need to get everybody pointed in the same direction, against the real opposition.
3. We need to remove carbon from the atmosphere. It’s not enough to stop emissions, we need to actively take green houses gases out of the Earth’s atmosphere. There are ways to do this. Fund projects like these, and if you can’t afford to, at least make sure people are aware of them.
4. Hit the streets. Extinction Rebellion is my personal top pick for a climate activism org to support. Go to rallies held by this group or similar. During protests, Big Oil and their backers should be specifically targeted. Banks like Wells Fargo and Chase should be blockaded, gas stations should be surrounded, etc.
5. Last, for now, and definitely least: make any personal lifestyle changes in the name of environmentalism part of your spiritual practice. Many faiths have embraced dietary restrictions and other special habits. If you swear off meat (or at least beef) in the name of fighting climate change, strengthen your resolve with a religious vow or pact with your favorite demon. Make turning off lights when you leave a room a mindfulness exercise, and practice it diligently. Make donations in the name of your patron demons and deities, as offerings. Call on your demons when you hit the streets for actions. Weave your magick in. Why do I recommend this? Well, because individual actions are only remotely effective as part of a movement, and when done with great consistency. If you incorporate them into your practice, you will give yourself greater motivation to stick with them. If you use them as offerings or part of pacts, you may reap magical rewards in return. If you approach them as mindfulness exercises, you will improve your self-discipline. At the very least, you will directly benefit. Share these practices with your spiritual communities, and you may gain support from others to keep you on track, and even inspire them to take similar actions.

There have been countless apocalyptic religious movements throughout history, but few if any have ever actively tried to stop the apocalypse on the material plane. We need something like that right now.

Let’s be it.