Tag Archives: anarchism

I Can’t Self-Govern For You

A public statement of Pastor Johnny to Church of the Morningstar on 1/4/2025.

Back when I was first thinking of starting a Satanic church, I had a chatty Uber driver one night. I confessed to him that I was an aspiring pastor, although not what kind. 

“Put the pews in a circle,” he told me. “Pass the mic.” 

With these words, he expressed his desire for a different kind of religion– one that was less top-down, more diffuse and democratic. He’d articulated something I also wanted. Put the pews in a circle. Pass the mic. 

In the early days of Church of the Morningstar, that’s what we did. Back in San Francisco, we all saw each other face to face and knew each other’s names. It was easier to make sure that everyone was familiar with the non-hierarchical norms of the church. Everyone seemed to feel comfortable speaking up, giving their opinions, leading rituals, preaching sermons. Mass was an event that we all made happen together. 

But with the lockdown, we had to go online, and things changed. There were suddenly a lot more members, who knew each other less. Thoroughly onboarding every single new person was too time consuming for our small volunteer clergy, so we hoped people would get a feel for the church’s intentions and culture through our website and published writings. We thought we had laid those things out pretty clearly and publicly. 

And maybe we had. But what a church says, and what a church does, can be very different. People didn’t necessarily take those statements seriously. It seems that for a variety of reasons– some of which have to do with the religious trauma we all carry, and some of which have to do with my “strong,” i.e. sometimes overbearing personality– people haven’t always trusted in our invitations to participate, contribute, take leadership, and make this church in your image.

Now, I enjoy leading. I always have. In the beginning, I thought it was quite possible that power would corrupt me. I assumed I would have to keep an eye on myself, because I might like being in control too much.

Things worked out very differently. Having ended up with a type of authority that I did not ask for and did not want, I find that I actually hate it. There is no money and very little glory in being pastor of this church, just hard work, intense responsibility, and the endless sacrifice of my weekends. I’ve burned myself out emotionally supporting congregants. I’ve exhausted myself constantly creating new programming for our masses, with minimal input from anyone else but Vix. When I’ve tried to start discussions in the church, I have been met with silence, because people are afraid to disagree with me or say anything against what they perceive to be our “official dogma”– in spite of the fact that we try to be clear that we do not have one! 

People defer to me in a way that I never wanted them to. People feel unqualified to take leadership roles, and unwelcome to contribute their ideas, their art, their rituals, and their opinions, to making this church richer, more interesting, and more diverse. I have tried to solicit all of those things multiple times, in multiple ways:

  • with calls for submissions to the church anthology book which is now in the works
  • with invitations to have your art featured on the Church of the Morningstar website on the “art collective” page
  • with pauses in every mass to ask if anyone has anything they want to say, share or present
  • with requests for participation and interactivity in mass via invitations to read aloud, speak parts of incantations, or take part in discussions
  • with solicitations before masses for rituals, poems, writings, songs, etc that people may wish to submit for inclusion 
  • with invitations to collaborate on the church by-laws and constitution
  • with elections that I literally beg people to run in and vote in 

Yet it seems that much of this is not taken as being in good faith, and I think this is partially because of how aspects of my personality come across. 

I know I have a strong personality, as has been mentioned before. I know that at my worst, “strong” is a euphemism for “aggressive and overbearing.” But I am not loud and forceful because I want to crush people down and make them meek and quiet. I am loud and forceful because I want loud, forceful friends. I was raised by a huge, Southern, lapsed Catholic father who argued with me like I was an adult man back when I was still a tiny alleged girl of about four years old. I learned to meet his fire with fire fearlessly because no matter how loud we yelled at at each other, at the end I always knew my dad would smile at me and say “we butt heads like this because we are so alike. I love you.” Now, that’s not how most relationships work. I’ve learned that the hard way. And yet, in spite of decades of evidence to the contrary, at my core I still expect my strength to be met with strength. 

I will be real with you. I am getting burned out. I envisioned starting this church and having it grow into a self-governing community that needs no leaders. I had hoped to make myself obsolete as a pastor. In the last couple of years, I have become very stressed, sad, tired and lonely in my life because too many of the people I know seem to be looking up to me and placing me above them, leading me to feel as if I have no peers– this in spite of the fact that I fundamentally believe that all of you are my peers. 

I want comrades and co-collaborators and co-conspirators, not followers. I do not believe any of you are followers by nature. You’re Satanists. You’re walkers of the left hand path. You are here, or so I believe, because you dislike authority and seek empowerment; because you are curious and desire knowledge; because you don’t want to be told what to think or what to do. 

I desperately want to change the culture in this church. I don’t want to be at the top of it anymore. But I can’t do that alone. I need your help. Obviously I can’t do your self-governing for you. You have to do that. That’s the point. 

I have to confess that if the culture of this church doesn’t change, if it doesn’t end up living up to the values and vision with which I co-founded it, I will most likely burn out in another year, and step down as pastor. In that case, very likely nobody else will feel empowered to step up, and the online branch of CotMS will end. 

I am not trying to threaten you. But if you want this church, you have to make this church, and make it the church you want. I am not being paid anything for this, and I don’t want to keep making a church for people who appear to passively consume it with what seems to me to be diminishing enthusiasm. 

It is still my calling to be a priest of Satan, no matter what happens, but if we can’t make this church a church for us all, rather than just the Vix and Johnny Show, I will need to pursue that dream in a different form. 

You have the power. This can be what you want it to be. Vix and I are just making it up as we go along, after all. Yeah I went to seminary, but most of what it got me was just student debt. I went half for the skills and half for the credentials, so that non-Satanists would be forced to take us a bit more seriously. And Vix? I know he intimidates you with his intellect, but his highest attainment of formal education was fucking beauty school. He just reads a lot. We don’t really have anything you don’t have. 

So today’s message is: you can just do things. That’s what we do. We just do things, and then for some reason everyone thinks we know what we’re doing. You can too. You can just decide to hold a ritual or event. You can start a reading group. You can hop in the voice chat and start a lively debate. You can write a poem, a prayer, an article, a hymn, and submit it to be put on the church blog or in the church book. You can lead a segment of mass. You’re allowed. You have permission. 

But at some point, when you have the time and bandwidth to think hard about hard things, I do hope you will ask yourselves this question: why did I need so much permission? 

How to Invite Your Unhoused Neighbor To Dinner

This is a writing based on something I did last night. It went really well. It’s the first time I had ever done something like that, despite wanting to. (I’ve let homeless friends crash in my house before, but that’s really different from inviting in a stranger.) Despite my best efforts, I had a lot of societal bullshit in my head saying that it would be too awkward, too dangerous, not helpful enough, not worth doing, and just somehow too against social norms– something that’s just “not done.”

Well, do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the law. You, yes you, can invite a hungry stranger into your home and have it be a perfectly lovely experience for all concerned.

That’s why I am sharing this. Not for brownie points or praise, but because this is a thing that is real and that you can literally do.

Also, individuals actions like the one I took with my partner are nice but ultimately meaningless unless they spread, and unless real solidarity is built. So I want to let more people know how to do this. I’m trying to empower you to help make a better world.

My experience having an unhoused guest last night went really well. It seemed to be very much appreciated, and I don’t think anyone felt like it was condescending, charity, or motivated by pity or guilt.

So, without further ado, here is what I learned, and these are the things I did that I think made it go well.

1. We had too much food. That was the most important thing. I’m a working class dude, I make less than a thousand a month and fully half of that goes to rent. I legit don’t always have much to spare. But yesterday was a holiday and we outdid ourselves cooking. The action we took was based on realizing that we had a bunch of extra stuff, and that if we walked a couple of blocks, we would probably find someone who wanted it.

Take these actions only when you have enough to share. From each according to his ability to each according to his needs, as a smart dude once said. If you try to help when you can’t actually help, you’ll just let everyone down and come across like you’re a wannabe do-gooder who can’t walk their talk.

2. Approach your houseless neighbor like a normal fucking person, because they are, and presumably you also are. Your unhoused neighbor may not be in a great mood, but there are obviously good reasons for that. They are likely cold, hungry, lonely, and probably having a shitty day/month/year/decade. Don’t let that stop you. If you are polite and nice like you’d be to fucking anyone, there’s a good chance to establish rapport.

3. If cops show up, don’t ditch your friend. Stay and cop watch. Have your phone camera ready. Maybe install that ACLU app that automatically uploads the footage so that even if the pig takes your phone it’s too late, already got civil rights lawyers looking at it (which, ACLU is a liberal org and not perfect at all, but it’s way better than the footage being lost forever). We did this last night. Fortunately we had white privilege and we used it to get the cop to go away.

4. Let your new friend take the lead. They might not be comfortable coming home with you, because there are lots of sickos who prey on homeless people. If they’d rather you just bring them some dinner/a blanket/some sanitary supplies/whatever, do that instead. Ask them what they need and figure out how they’d like you to help them with that.

5. Try to make conversation and get to know each other. Your new friend may have rusty social skills. They may talk to themselves more than to you at first. This is true whether they are mentally ill or on drugs or not. I think talking to yourself is just something that can happen when you get lonely enough, regardless of any other factor. Also, of course, if your new friend IS mentally ill or on drugs, don’t judge. It can happen to anyone. Be chill, don’t be judgmental, don’t freak out.

6. But also, trust your gut. Homeless people are, and I can’t stress this enough, PEOPLE. SOME PEOPLE ARE SHITTY AND DANGEROUS. You are in a delicate interaction right now where you are both trying to trust each other. If either one of you can’t trust, it’s not gonna work out. Abort.

If you don’t feel like you have good instincts yet, maybe this type of work isn’t for you. Find something else you can do to help.

7. Be considerate. This goes with letting your friend take the lead. If they decide to come to your house for dinner, be a good fucking host. Since a lot of people don’t seem to know how to do this anymore in any circumstances, here are some basics of that:

Invite them to sit down. Ask if they would like something to drink. Ask if they would like the thermostat turned up. Apologize for any mess. Make sure they know where the bathroom is. Ask broad questions like “can I get you anything?” Ask about dietary needs/restrictions. Make sure they aren’t allergic to any pets you have. Ya know. Basic shit.

In the case of a houseless person, it can be nice to ask if they would like to shower, but try not to do this in a way that indicates you think they smell bad. If you have time and on-site laundry at your house, you might even be able to let them run some laundry through the wash!

8. Literally do try to make a friend! Pleasant social contact is one of many things unhoused people can be in dire need of. A lot of people probably walk by them every day pretending they don’t exist. Fuck that.

9. Leaving– the hard part. Sometimes. Actually, in some ways, always.

You may notice this is about inviting someone to dinner, not inviting someone to crash for the night. That’s because I haven’t really done that with a stranger, I have issues letting people I don’t know super well sleep in my house, and, basically… I’m just not there yet, so I don’t have experience or tips.

Your friend may decide when they want to leave of their own accord. It’s very likely they will– after all, they may be as leery of crashing in the house of someone they don’t really know as you are of letting them! Like I said, lots of predators out there.

Or, you may have to ask them to leave. This can be awkward with any guest, as you may know. It’s downright painful when you are sending them out into the cold night.

You may be tempted at this point to refer them to a shelter. Don’t. Shelters are shitty and dangerous and often overcrowded. Your friend knows that shelters exist. There is a reason they aren’t in one. Shut up.

Sometimes a better option is a cheap hotel, and your friend may ask for cash (usually to the tune of 40-60 bucks) to go to one. If you can spare the cash, go for it. Don’t fucking speculate as to whether they are gonna get drugs with it instead. Your friend is an adult.

If there is no other option for them and they don’t want to leave, be honest as to why they can’t stay. It may be that your landlord doesn’t allow overnight guests, or that your roommates would get pissed. It may be that you are just not comfortable having a stranger in your home overnight, but if you have to tell them that, make it clear that your boundary is not about them, and not about them being a “scary homeless person.” There’s no guarantee at this point that shit won’t get weird and feelings won’t be hurt. Sorry. Anything worth doing carries risks.

But don’t, and I cannot emphasize this enough– DON’T CALL THE COPS. That will undo everything you just tried to do. This is another reason I said to trust your gut earlier. If you try to help someone who you sense will harm you, you will likely end up harming them.

If you feel comfortable, you can offer your phone number or some way to stay in touch. A lot of homeless people do have phones and that does NOT mean they are “fake poor,” you moron. Even an iPhone is a hell of a lot cheaper than an apartment. I forgot to offer my number last night and I am literally kicking myself because the person we met was super cool.

On the other hand, they may not want to swap digits. Don’t get offended!

And don’t ever promise anything you can’t deliver.

10. Once they are gone, you might need to do some self care. You may have just legit bonded with a human who you may never see again and who is going into dangerous circumstances. You may feel guilty and shitty about the fact that you sent them into the night. You may be worried as hell about them. You may miss them. WHATEVER YOU DO, WAIT TO PROCESS THOSE FEELINGS UNTIL THEY ARE NOT IN YOUR PRESENCE. It’s your shit, and it’s valid, but it’s not theirs and they have a lot of other things to worry about.

11. Special advice for Satanists, witches and occultists– you may not want to lead with your religion/spiritual practice, and/or avoid mentioning it. It can legitimately freak some people out. I had an experience like this recently with a young woman on the bus who asked me to ride with her to help her feel safer, but it turned out she was BIG on Jesus and got very, very scared of me just by noticing my Satanic tattoos and jewelry. Made me really sad, but there was nothing I could do to help her feel safe, especially as it seemed she had a little bit of psychosis. Be wary of stuff like that. If the interior of your house would terrify the average Christian, think twice.

12. Finally, your new friend may or may not be up to date on the most politically correct language of the left. Try not to sweat that stuff. If you chose to have a conversation about it, don’t be condescending and approach it in a down-to-earth way. If your guest is a little bit bigoted about some things, it’s a lot more effective to give them a positive sense of having connected with someone different than them, rather than chewing them out over terminology. The first builds solidarity, the second is exhausting for all concerned. (Obviously there are limits to the tolerance of intolerance in any situation, but we are hoping that you trusted your gut to good effect earlier and there is no chance of physical violence.)

And that’s about all I have to say about it for now!

In conclusion, I’d like to link you to POOR Magazine, a project of, by, and for poor and homeless people. It has a lot of information about other projects of, by and for the homeless, especially in the SF Bay Area. Give your money to them and to similar self-organized homeless projects rather than to mainstream nonprofits. Tenants unions, homeless unions, and projects like Homes Not Jails are also good to support. Basically you’re looking for organizations run by the people they are meant to serve.