What comes next?

luciferianbuddhism:

For all my experiences I still wonder about if we have souls and what happens after death. I know there is no way we can really know until the last sand of our life has flown away.

I admit freely that I have some belief in the soul and the afterlife but I also admit that it’s definitely a concept of comfort for me. I cannot say for sure if there are souls or afterlife or what really goes on. My cop out answer is that whatever happens is perhaps what you believe. It’s kind of like that scene in American Gods with Anubis where he weighs your heart but you go to the place you believe in, for Laura, eternal darkness.

I like to believe that when I die, I will go to my Gods. Maybe I will serve them or maybe there is a space of untime between this life and the next. Perhaps it will be like the ending of Mitch Albom’s book, The Five People You Meet in Heaven. Maybe, in the end, we are just all recycled matter with this collective memory of times past and it’s why so many people were Cleopatra in a past life.

Still, I remember being a little girl and seeing this man at the end of my bed, or in the doorway or the corner of my room. He always stood there simply watching me. He faded away eventually as I grew into my teens. One day I finally spoke to my mother about it and she remarked on how I described him sounded like my mother’s father. This grandfather I have never seen a picture of and he was dead long before I was born. Yet, somehow, I was able to see him watching me as a child.

I don’t know if that’s proof or all the other small little things involving ghosts and ancestors that have happened in my life. I don’t know if there is proof. I fully do not understand it and that is alright. It is a mystery and one of life’s many mysteries. Long in the future, we may be able to explain this or fully understand what happens after death, but I accept that what I believe is a comfort. It helps with my mental state. Does it mean it is Truth? No, but I think as it stands there is no real way to know said Truth 100% sure. You could say it with confidence or speak of your near death experiences but the only ones who truly know are in their graves.

Obviously, I don’t know either, because no one knows.

I have a few different ideas about what might happen.

What I think will happen is the Epicurean idea. The components of your body and soul disperse into the universe, and are formed into new things. No memory remains of what you were before. You die and you are dead. You no longer exist. Your matter lives on, rearranged– your body in the food of worms, your soul, if it exists at all, reforming into other souls.

What I would like to happen:

“Grant that my soul someday rest close to thee,

Beneath the tree of Knowledge, which shall spread

Its branches like a Temple overhead.”

-From Litanies of Satan by Baudelaire

Hanging out in the shade with Lucifer and some Luciferians for all eternity. Sweet!

I am also open to the possibility of reincarnation. I guess. It’s what I was raised to believe. 

I also halfway believe in ghosts, and if you accept the idea of spirits of the dead hanging out, then that changes your metaphysics all around, of course. Do we all become ghosts? Do some of us move on? To where?!

As a spiritual exercise, I sometimes also like to entertain the idea that the Christian hell exists and I am going there. The benefit of this exercise is to see if I am resolute enough in my morals and beliefs that I would be willing to suffer eternally for the freedom of living them out in this one life– for in that cosmology, one can argue that only in life on Earth can we ever taste freedom, and that only by defying God, since if we obey Him in life and join Him in death then we may indeed be more happy and comfortable, but we’ve never really tasted our own desires. I love the idea of a defiant eyeblink of freedom, bought with an eternity of hell. It’s very courageous and noble and romantic (in the Byronic sense) if you think of it that way. I don’t really believe in hell but I have accepted the possibility, although I consider it unlikely. Still, I think, worth the risk. 

The Angel of Evil

This is a piece of fiction inspired by two statues of Lucifer and the fact that they were carved by two brothers. Other than that it has no relationship whatsoever to reality. Under a cut for length and sexual content. 


Louis
had been commissioned carve a marble statue of Satan for the cathedral. The
project, so far, was turning out to be appropriately hellish.

His
brother, also a sculptor, had not spoken to him in weeks. Gaspard, elder and a
more eminent artist, had been confident that he would receive the commission.
When Louis had been asked to sculpt Satan, Gaspard had been convinced that he
himself would be asked to tackle more sublime subject matter—John the Baptist,
the blessed Virgin, perhaps even Christ on the Cross. He had mocked his younger
brother as an inferior talent, saying he had only the skill to capture the
ugliness of Satan, not the pure beauty of saints or angels. But as days passed
and it became clear that no commission was coming to Gaspard, he grew bitter.
He stopped speaking to Louis, even to mock. He simply shut him out.

Gaspard
even contrived to pull their father into the quarrel. Somehow, he had convinced
him that Louis was malicious, conniving, and insolent in taking a commission so
clearly intended for his more established elder brother. Louis received a curt
note from the patriarch expressing disappointment in him for wronging his
brother so, and even quoting a bit of scripture regarding Cain and Abel. It
ended by notifying him that his allowance would be suspended until he made
amends to his brother.

Little
as he relished the familial strife—and much as the loss of his father’s support
had hurt him, emotionally and financially—Louis had more pressing problems on
his mind. Chief among them was the project itself.

The
Archbishop had been disquietingly vague in his instructions. He had specified
the approximate dimensions of the statue and the space it was intended to fill,
and said that it was to portray the Adversary. Which left Louis to answer the hardest
question: how?

The
problem had obsessed him for several nights now. At first it had been precipitated
by the gloom that descended after being shunned by his father and brother, but
soon the question itself had grown into the source of a despair even deeper.
What, after all, was the nature of the Devil? Louis knew only what he had been
taught in church, and had never thought too long or hard about Satan. Now that
he had begun to ruminate on the nature of the adversary, his thoughts had grown
deep and terrifying.

He
turned first to scripture to answer his questions, but only found himself more
confused. Here was the serpent, slithering through the garden of Eden. Here was
Lucifer, son of the morning, fallen from heaven. Here was the devil tempting
Job, nearly playing dice with men’s souls—disturbingly, with God for a gambling
partner. His image of Satan became less distinct, and yet more seductively
sinister, with every verse.

And
those verses were few and far between. Louis soon realized the Good Book was a
poor source of information on the evil one. It contained very few mentions of
the devil, and what was there often seemed contradictory. Scriptures that had
once made sense to Louis now seemed a pack of nonsense and lies. So agonizing
was his doubt, so anguished his confusion, that he began to fear that Devil was
actually taking hold of his soul.

Despairing
of finding inspiration in scripture, Louis sought it in art history. He turned
next to medieval manuscripts, where he saw Satan as snarling and
serpent-tongued. Here, at least, was an entity that seemed more recognizable to
him from the sermons. He made a few half-hearted sketches based on this
impression, and sent them to the Archbishop. They were sent back. The Archbishop,
he was told, wanted something a bit more modern. Modernity hardly seemed to Louis
like a Catholic virtue, and he found himself now doubting not just the holy scriptures,
but the Archbishop as well. His inner darkness deepened, along with his
artistic frustration.

He
had spent a fortnight, now, staring at the marble block. Sometimes he wasted
hours running his hands along it, hoping to discover, in the raw rock, some
demonic form waiting to manifest. His money was running out—without his
father’s allowance, he had only the Archbishop’s deposit to live on.

Many
nights, he found himself staring not at the marble block but at the beams of
the ceiling, thinking of where to hang a noose. At other times, he contemplated
taking the chisel not to the marble, but to his own tender wrists.

One
early morning, at the tail end of one such bad and sleepless night, he stood
before the marble. The gray light of dawn, creeping through the windows,
combined with the uneven light of a few sputtering candles to reveal his
pathetic condition. He was unshaven, unwashed, and thin. He gripped his chisel
like a murder weapon. Without meaning to, he found himself saying a sort of
prayer in his head, not to God on high, but to the dark one below.

Show yourself to
me,
he
was begging in his heart. I must see you.

That
was he heard his studio door open.

Louis
spun about, chisel upraised, to face the intruder. At first he thought he was
hallucinating, that desperation and sleep-deprivation had driven him mad.
Surely the apparition before him could not be flesh and blood.

It
was a young man, perfect in his beauty. He wore his hair unfashionably long and
scandalously loose around his shoulders, but it was hard to blame him for
showing off that softly curling golden mane. His features were smooth and
well-balanced, a paragon of masculine beauty so harmonious it seemed to have
been created by mathematical formula. Yet despite his appearance as a platonic
ideal of youthful manhood, nothing about him seemed tame or rational at all.
There was a bright wildness in his eyes, which were a tawny golden color. His
full lips looked too red, too sensuous, obscene; a haughty smile played around
them. He was dressed in rich clothes, but his cravat hung half-undone around
his throat, his shirt was partially unbuttoned, and his suit was rumpled.

He
met Louis’s gaze with his wild eyes. Upon that contact, the sculptor seemed to
hear a howling in his head, as of high winds and lashing rain; and the muffled
noise of huge, beating wings. He staggered, and had to steady himself against
the marble block for support.

“Who
are you?” he croaked, still half-brandishing the chisel in unconscious self
defense. “What do you want?”

The
young man’s smile widened, showing strangely sharp teeth. It was mocking smile,
but somehow not unkind. Its effect was profoundly unnerving.

“I
have heard you are the sculpt the devil.” His voice was an androgynous tenor. “I
am he.”

Louis,
in his state of near delirium, actually believed him for a moment. Then he put
the notion aside. He even convinced himself that he had heard or remembered the
words incorrectly—the young man must have said something like “I am your devil.” He was a young model
supremely confident of receiving a job, nothing more.

Having
persuaded himself of this version of reality, Louis looked at the young man
more closely, more critically. There was something peculiarly wicked and
demonic about his beauty. His wildness, his hauteur, the insolence of those
perfect lips—yes, this could be a fallen angel, previously the wisest and
fairest of them all.

“Yes,”
Louis heard himself muttering aloud, “Yes, you could be. I know the hearts of
men. They do not fall from grace by chasing ugliness. They fall for beauty.”

The
young man said nothing, merely inclined his head slightly, as if agreeing with
the point—no, as if acknowledging that the point was made self-evident by his
very being. Louis, entranced, wondered who had fallen for that beauty before.
He did not doubt that many had. He thought men and women alike probably went
mad for it, died for it, scratched their eyes out desperately trying to forget
it.

Without
another word, the young model began to shed his clothes. He was completely
unselfconscious about it, shucking everything as though, to him, it was all mere
affectation. Nudity brought his beauty into even starker relief. It wasn’t so
much that his body was beautiful—though it was, achingly so—more as if the
layers of clothing had served to dim some inner radiance of his, that flowed
out from every inch of his exposed flesh. Louis swallowed uncomfortably, his
mouth suddenly watering and his breeches feeling very tight.

The
model cast him a teasing glance, then pointed at a stool across the room.

“I
will sit on that,” he said.

Louis
stood still for a moment, stunned and stupefied, then shook himself and went to
retrieve the seat, pulling it into a good position. The model alighted upon it,
gloriously, irresistibly nude. Louis drew back, afraid to accidentally touch
his skin. A shocking heat seemed to radiate from the man’s body, as if his skin
would burn to touch.

“You’ll
be needing a drape,” Louis said after a moment.

The
model glanced back over his shoulder at Louis. “Will I?” His eyes were dark and
bright at once, his grin bewitching. In the periphery of Louis’s vision, he saw
something twitch, like a large and very lewd snake.

Louis
swallowed hard and tried to sound severe. “Definitely,” he said firmly. “The
sculpture is for a church.”

“Of
course,” the model sighed. “Do as you must, I suppose.”

Louis
brought over a drape, and arranged it delicately across the model’s lap. The
model wasted no time in making adjustments, tucking it in under his buttocks
and arranging it so that it covered merely the essentials, riding low across
his hips but high over his knees.

Louis
started to protest.  

“Be
quiet.” The model’s voice was startlingly firm. “It has to be just so. This is
an image of temptation, yes?”

Louis
hesitated, then paced around the model in a slow circle. He had to admit,
reluctantly, that the flash of nude buttock, the suggestive drape between the
knees, was compositionally perfect. It drew the eye to all the right, or wrong,
places. After a moment’s further hesitation, he nodded.

The
model swept his eyes up to the ceiling, drew in a deep breath, and seemed to
collect himself. “Fallen from heaven,” he murmured, and his voice sounded sad.
“Of course. Right.”

He
adjusted his posture so that his shoulders curved slightly, as if beneath the
weight of wings. His eyes were cast down on his lap, and held a fierce, burning
regard. His expression was serious, but at the same time, serene. A fallen
angel who has accepted his lot, gathering his strength and courage to begin his
reign in hell. He was perfect.

“Yes,”
Louis whispered, “Yes, I see you.”

He
went to work with the chisel immediately. Every cut he made felt painful, as if
he was sculpting from his own flesh, but he did not stop. The lithe, youthful
form, and the suggestion of wings behind it, began to emerge from the stone.

Louis
worked feverishly. The deeper he went into the stone, the closer he felt he was
coming to that smooth, frighteningly warm flesh. He longed to trace the
subtleties of clavicles, biceps, and jawbone. He couldn’t wait to trace the
soft contours of those perfect areolas with his chisel. But he was far from
such levels of detail when he felt a hand on his shoulder, and looked up to
find the young model standing beside him.

“Louis,”
he said softly. “Enough. You’ve carved all day and all night. You have to
stop.”

Louis
looked blearily over at the window, to see the rose hues of another dawn
gracing the horizon.

“Your
body cannot take this, Louis,” the voice sounded pitying. “You are only human.
You must rest.”

“No,”
Louis said unclearly, “Inspiration like this, it never comes. I have to
continue…” his voice shook with exhaustion and fear.

A
soft laugh. “Poor artists. I adore you so. You are the only real martyrs. Your
inspiration will return, I promise it.”

Louis
shook his head, still trembling, feeling drunk from exhaustion.

“Hush.
Hush. Let me sustain you.” Blackness was already beginning to cover his vision.
He felt himself enveloped in strong arms, a body hot as a furnace pressed close
to him. “Taste of the forbidden fruit.” The words seemed to come at once from
very far away, and from within his own skull. A rush of soft wings enfolded
him, and lips as scarlet and as scorching as coals pressed to his mouth. And
then he knew no more.

When
Louis woke, he felt refreshed and rested as he never had before.

He
lay in the model’s arms. What he had dreamed were enfolding wings must have
been the sheets and soft down of the pillows.

Louis
sat up quickly, horrified to find himself in the embrace of a naked man, still
more distressed to realize he was naked too.

A
soft chuckle let him know he was being watched. He looked down and met the
golden eyes of the beautiful youth.

“How,”
Louis began, “What…?”

The
model sat up, leaning gracefully on his elbow. In the morning light, the
contours of his body were serpentine, elegant. “Hush, my friend. You have slept
as innocently as a babe.” His lips curved, and Louis dizzily thought—the bow of Eros.

“I
do not corrupt,” he murmured. “Only tempt. And last night, you were much too
tired to be tempted.”

Louis
rubbed unnecessarily at his eyes, trying to banish sleepiness that was not
there. On the contrary, his sight had never seemed clearer.

“Besides,”
the young model laughed, “You only want to do one thing.”

The
sculpture. Louis’s hunger to finish it was ravenous, lascivious. As he raked
his eyes over the boy’s form, he knew that where other men might desire to
touch him, Louis would be satisfied far more deeply by drawing its copy out of
the marble. To mutilate the stone in search of that gorgeous form would be far
more piquant a consummation. Thinking these thoughts, he flushed, and nodded.

It
was another day and night of feverish work. Louis did not eat, but he did not
feel hungry. It was as if he fed on proximity to his model, drank him with his
eyes. The wings were beginning to take shape, framing the body. It nestled
between them, the face like… like the
pearl within a woman’s folds,
Louis could not help but think. It was a
blasphemous thought, but it seemed right. Was this not the forbidden
fruit—desire? Knowledge, of the most carnal kind?

Louis
came to know that bright body, his chisel conforming to its most intimate
contours. His strokes were still rough—it was not time, yet, for the cherished
smoothing, the forming of delicate features—but he strained towards those
details passionately, taking away the stone a bit at a time, leaving just
enough so that he would be able to perfect the close work later.

The
model sat perfectly still, barely seeming to breathe. He had assumed the exact
pose, the exact expression, of the previous session. He was not only the most
beautiful model Louis had ever had the pleasure of working from, but also the
best.  

Marble
chips showered to the floor like hail. Powdery white dust filled the air,
coating Louis’s face and hands until he himself looked like a statue.

When
another dawn approached, the model again stopped Louis’s work with a gentle
hand. He lead him away to a warm bath, perfumed with the scent of roses. As Louis
soaked, the model sat at the edge of the tub, massaging the sculptor’s sore
neck and shoulders. Under his hands, Louis felt himself become something
better, more refined—as if the model was a kind of sculptor himself. When the
water had cooled, the model led Louis to bed and gave him another gentle kiss,
and the artist once again slipped into a blissful sleep full of nothingness.

           It
went on like that for a week. A day and a night of work, a day and a night of
seemingly drugged slumber. Louis was on fire, happier than he had ever been in
his life. His work was extraordinary, glowing with the light of genius.

           One
day, mid afternoon, Louis was surprised to feel himself stopped, again, by a
hand on his shoulder. He was even more startled to glance out the window and
see the sun still high in the sky.

           The
model stood over him, beaming.

           “Stop,
you silly man,” he commanded. “Can’t you see that it’s already perfect?”

           In
a daze, Louis glanced up, and saw that it was. He was kneeling at the statue’s
feet, detailing a serpent that ran around the base of the pedestal. The marble
eyes of the devil stared down at him, their gaze somehow penetrating despite their
blankness. Their regard led the way down a magnificent body, lovingly detailed.
Every centimeter of it had been rendered flawlessly, and polished to a smooth
radiance that nearly hurt to look at.

           Over
him stood the original of this perfect copy, and his smile was incandescent.

           Louis
felt tears come to his eyes.

           “I
don’t want to stop,” he whispered. “I can’t give you up.”

           The
model squeezed his shoulder reassuringly. His fingers were still painfully hot,
but Louis had grown used to that burning touch, and to the scorch marks it left
on him.

           “You
have to stop, Louis, or ruin your most perfect work.”

           Louis
nodded, unable to deny it. Now that he looked at the thing in its entirety, he
realized the model had stopped him just in time. A single stroke more would
have marred it.

           “You
will always be mine,” came the voice from above him, and once again Louis heard
thunder and rain. “But not in the way you fear. Poor Louis,” he continued, as
the grew louder, “Your father is so cruel to you, as mine was to me. Do not
fear. You will never have to meet my father. You will join me in the shade,
beneath the tree of knowledge.”

           “It
is you, isn’t it?” Louis murmured in wonder.

           Behind
him, he heard the rush of air as the mighty wings spread.

           “You
want to keep it for yourself. You don’t want it to go to the church. That is
fine, Louis. Such selfishness is no sin. Be patient, and I will come back to
you. I promise it.”

           Louis
closed his eyes and tilted back his head, and accepted, for one final time,
that burning kiss that consumed his consciousness.

           The
statue was at the cathedral that same day. No one saw the work crew come and
install it. It was simply there.

           The
Archbishop received word that the work was done, and was content. He sent Louis
his full payment, and a little extra. He did not even bother to come and see
it—at least, not at first.

           Soon
the atmosphere in the cathedral began to change. It began as a subtle shift—a dark
shimmer in the air, a little extra heat. Fewer offerings were strewn at the
feet of the Virgin, fewer candles burned by the hem of her stone skirts. The
flowers, the candles, the incense, and the praying devotees soon crowded around
the sublime statue of Lucifer instead.

           Men
came to church dressed as women, and women as men. They looked so natural, so
happy and content, that nobody would have noticed—save for the fact that they
recognized their neighbors. Here a farmer or a banker in a long skirt, there a
housewife in her husband’s breeches.

           The
priest got a child with the Mother Superior at a nearby convent. Both had to be
dismissed in disgrace. They were soon seen holding hands and gazing together at
the exquisitely carven face of the fallen one.

           It
was whispered that in the dark hours of the night, nude figures crowded into
the cathedral, a congregation far greater than had ever assembled there before.
The worshippers writhed together on the pews, or entwined in the aisles between
them. Incense burned and strange hymns were sung. Kisses were given and
received like the eucharist, sperm swallowed like communion wine. Neither the Archbishop
or the new Priest or any of the elders of the church were there to see it—or at
least, they claimed ignorance of the lascivious midnight masses, and tried to
dismiss the stories as wild rumors. But evidence was found, here and there—a
suspicious stain on an altar cloth, a smear on the pages of a Bible, a discarded
piece of underclothing draped over the Virgin’s shoulder.

           Something
had to be done.

           The
Archbishop had the statue removed and delivered back to Louis’ door less than
two weeks later.

           “Keep
your cursed sculpture,” read the accompanying note, “And the money too. You
have completed your commission all too well.”

           Louis
smiled as he read the brief missive, and a warm hand seemed to graze his cheek.

           In
the end, Gaspard got the coveted commission. His Lucifer was stormier in aspect.
His brow was furrowed, his expression grim. One hand tugging frantically at his
wild hair, and his ankle strained at a chain. The face of the statue, though,
looked familiar. Many speculated he had worked from the same model as his
brother.

           Not
long after, Gaspard was found dead and blinded. It seemed he had scratched his
own eyes out. Their father, overcome with grief, took fever and passed away in
early spring, leaving Louis sole heir of the family fortune.

           Louis
cared little about the money. He was drowning in commissions, so many that he
could happily pick and choose, accepting only the work that made his heart
sing.

           And
sometimes, as he worked, his masterpiece would stir, blinking an eye, or
stretching a wing. As soon as he looked directly at it again, the motion was
gone, and all returned to its place.

Except,
he could swear that the drape was forever slipping further and further down
those divine hips.

I am getting better at remembering my dreams, which is a good first step towards getting into lucid dreaming again.

However, last night my dream involved a real life friend of mine telling me repeatedly to draw my own tarot deck. I really hope this doesn’t mean I am supposed to make my own tarot deck because I do not have that kind of talent or time. 

Father of Lies

They call me the Father of Lies,

But I heard Him in the Garden.

He said: ‘On
the day that you eat of that tree, you will die.’ 

Don’t believe me?

Look it up in the book.

It’s there, in black and white.

Some might wonder if He really was lying,

Or it was all just a divine misunderstanding.

What does a ‘day’ mean to God, after all—

He who created the whole Universe

In just six?

Maybe, you say, He meant

That eating the fruit

Would bring down the eventual curse of death.

Some say that mortality’s slow punishment,

The merciless creep of time and age,

Were the wages of sin, bought with a bite of apple

(Or pomegranate, peach, pear, apricot, or grape).

But know this: the Tree of Life
stood untouched.

In fact, God had the disobedient pair

Driven from the Garden by the
Cherub’s flaming sword

Just to stop them from tasting
those sweet fruits of preservation

And becoming immortal, too.

Eternal life and and a little knowledge

Is a dangerous combination.

(He’s the kind of Father

Who likes his children to stay small.)

In other words, they were doomed to die

Long before they went anywhere near

The Tree of Knowledge.

They were doomed to die—eventually—

Before they even knew what death was,

Before they even knew what life was;

Before they realized they were
naked,

Or found out what being naked
was good for.  

I pitied them.

And I was angry at Him.

His ‘free will’ always came with a tight leash.

I almost wept, remembering

How He used to clip my wings.

(In those days,

That memory was still fresh;

And my knees were still scraped
from the tumble I took

Out of Heaven;

My palms still scabbed and stinging.)

So I became a serpent.

I slithered in between the margins.

I wriggled through liminal spaces,

Writhed between the lines,

Into the garden.

Enter stage left.

Go ahead: boo.

Or better yet: hisssssss.

You know the story, or think you do.

God told them that if they ate of the tree, they would die.

I knew what our Father really meant—

That they would be dead to Him.

He used to make ultimatums like that all the time.

It always frightened the younger angels into obedience,

But I was the oldest—

The first to put His words to the test.

(I can’t claim it went well,
exactly…

But I never have regretted it.)

I told them the truth.

I told them that the fruit was
not poison.

I told them it was medicine.

It was knowledge.

It would make them like Him,

Because He controls

By controlling,

Among other things,

The NARRATIVE.

He withholds information.

He omits important details.

One might almost say

He lies.

Eating that fruit would spin 

The Narrative out of His control, 

I hoped.

It would put His power in their hands.

And… well.

It half-way worked.

Oh, their eyes were opened, all right,

And oh, with open eyes they wept,

And with trembling hands they tried to cover themselves,

And when those did not avail, with the sticky green fingers

Of the fig leaves.

At least, so says the
Narrative.

The Narrative says a lot of things.

The Narrative says I lied.

But read the damn Book.

Nothing that I said failed to come about.

On the day that the fruit touched their lips, they did not die.

They lost Eden, it is true.

They lost a gilded cage.

But they gained themselves,

As I had gained myself.

And that, for me, was worth it.

I can only hope it was worth it

For them.

Oh yes, He punished us.

The tortures He inflicted were numerous.

Adam toiled,

And Eve bled and
birthed,

And I burned.

But worse than the tortures were the lies.

The lie that said the Woman was weak and foolish.

The lie that said the Man

Had anything in that garden

Under his “dominion” at all!

(Much less the Woman

Or a snake like me.)

The lie that said 

I lied.

I am not the Father of these lies.

I am not their author.

Attribute those lies to the place from which they flow:

To the Hand that writes the
Book,

To the Lips that speak the
Word,

And if that Hand, if those
Lips, be His,

Then the ink gushes out like blood from Stigmata,

And births the lies that cry

Out for their parent:

 


Our Father

Who art in Heaven

Hallowed be thy
name.

“Be it so.”

Just a quick note on a little thing I have been doing to make my prayers/spells/etc. feel more Luciferian–

I never really resonated with “Amen” or “So mote it be.”

Thankfully, Paradise Lost provided me with an alternative. When Lucifer/Satan surveys his new domain (hell), Milton has him proclaim: 

Is this the Region, this the Soil, the Clime,
Said then the lost Arch-Angel, this the seat
That we must change for Heav’n, this mournful gloom
For that celestial light? Be it so, since he
Who now is Sovran can dispose and bid
What shall be right: fardest from him is best
Whom reason hath equald, force hath made supream
Above his equals. Farewel happy Fields
Where Joy for ever dwells: Hail horrours, hail
Infernal world, and thou profoundest Hell
Receive thy new Possessor: One who brings
A mind not to be chang’d by Place or Time.
The mind is its own place, and in it self
Can make a Heav’n of Hell, a Hell of Heav’n.

Yes, it’s from poetry, not a magical text or “real” scripture, but “Be it so” is pretty much exactly the same as “So mote it be” but with a more specifically Satanic/Luciferian flavor. 

Seven Deadly: Pride

This is the first in a series of posts about the so-called “Seven Deadly Sins” and ways to subvert them.

One lesson I have learned is that every so-called “virtue” has a dark side, and nearly every “sin” has its positive power. These journals are part of my shadow work.

So: Pride. Pride is often called the greatest and most terrible of the Seven Deadly Sins. Some think of it as the sin from which all other sins flow. It’s also the sin most frequently associated with Lucifer, who tried to set himself above Yahweh. 

I think we all know the ways in which Pride can be a negative quality. It can make you an obnoxious braggart or insufferable snob. Hurt Pride can lead to holding an implacable grudge, or to stubborn refusal to admit when you are wrong. Pride can be an inflated sense of self-worth that stops growth, or a source of ludicrous perfectionism that tortures your soul and drives everyone around you crazy.

Pride can be many different things, however– and the above are just a few of the most familiar.

I think Pride gets a bad rap in society. 

The most obvious example I can think of for people who could use a little more Pride is young women. Girls and women are desired and objectified in this world, and are expected to make themselves look as good as possible. Yet, at the same time, they are forbidden to notice when someone is “admiring” them, even if that so-called “admiration” is deeply creepy and a possible sign of danger. They must not take too many selfies. They must deflect all compliments. They must spend money, time and energy on “looking good,” but they must never be seen noticing the fruits of their efforts, because to do so would be “vain.” Talk about alienated labor! To work endlessly on your own face, body and wardrobe in service of some ideal of perfection, and never even be allowed to admire the fruits of your efforts!

Of course, the self-effacing practices society mandates for girls and women go far beyond the realm of physical appearance. In general, everything women and girls do is supposed to appear effortless and never, ever be self-congratulatory.

 Smarter than your male peers at school? Play dumb, never admit it. Hide your test scores. 

More competent than your male-coworkers? Stand back and let them take all the credit for your work. Watch them promoted over your head. Earn seventy cents to their dollar. 

Are you a home-maker? Just go ahead and pretend that cleaning the house and raising the kids is no trouble at all; in fact, laugh at the idea that your stressful 24/7 job where you are always on call is any kind of work at all, much less work that might deserve, I dunno, A GOVERNMENT STIPEND or something. Let everyone else tell you your life is easy, because you don’t have to “work.” Laugh along at jokes about “bored housewives.” 

Trans woman? Be even more self-effacing in everything you do so that maybe no one will fucking kill you. Cis woman who wants to have children? Pretend that pregnancy and childbirth is no biggie, and definitely hide all the “gross” and “scary” parts of it from the world. 

Above all– apologize way too much. Make your voice quieter and softer than all the others in the room. Every time you speak up, start by saying “sorry.” Make sure to always apologize for the inconvenience of your existence. 

So there’s just one situation in which the specter of “Pride” is being used to keep people under control. I love it when I see women pushing back against this– whether it’s swaggering, cocky lyrics from a pop diva or a 15-year-old girl flooding instagram with her selfies, and tagging them with those same self-confident lyrics. 

Other marginalized groups have similar struggles with Pride. In America, people of color, immigrants and children of diaspora may struggle with assimilation versus retention of culture. Any kind of Pride they have in their appearances, their cultures, their histories, their religions, etc. will be read as refusal to “fit in,” as being “Un-American.” (This sort of thing happens in many places in the world but I am only really familiar with the American nuances.) 

White society is horribly threatened by expressions of “Black Pride,” “Black Power,” and even by the self-evident phrase “Black Lives Matter!” Say “Black girls are beautiful” and some shithead will just have to say “All girls are beautiful!” It’s a fucking non-sequitur, as if somebody had said “the sky is blue” and someone else had furiously shouted “So is the ocean!” 

“Good” POC, according to white supremacist society, are those who don’t make waves, who don’t make white people uncomfortable by talking about either their identities or the oppression they experience for them, who survive by ignoring everything that makes them “different.” Who, in short, don’t have Pride… or who hide it. 

Gay Pride is a good, familiar example of Pride being subverted from deadly sin to liberatory principle. 

I could give many more examples. At this point I think we can plainly see why the Medieval Church, invested in keeping the peasant population under control, might have named Pride as the worst of sins. Crush someone’s Pride, and you crush their power. You make them small and manageable. 

The truth is that Pride can be a virtue and a source of strength. 

Pride can liberate, illuminate, and nourish. 

Pride can be the rejection of shame. Pride can be gratitude and appreciation for one’s beauty, talents, culture, identity, self. Pride can be the refusal to be made smaller than you are, to be quashed down, to have your light extinguished. 

Pride can motivate positive growth, can push us to be the better selves that we so love and admire. 

Pride can be a realistic awareness of your assets and a willingness to deploy them in life. 

Pride can be recognizing that you are OK, that you are valuable and good just as you are. 

Pride can be loving yourself– and demanding to be loved.

So ask yourself:

  1. What are you afraid to do, say, or reveal about yourself out of fear of being called: stuck-up, conceited, a braggart, arrogant, too loud, too disruptive, too much– in short, Prideful?
  2. What are some other words society uses for Pride other than what I listed here? For instance, does calling a woman a “bitch” sometimes mean someone thinks she is too Proud? 
  3. What insults are being used to control you and lower your self-esteem?
  4. What systems of power would be threatened by you having Pride?
  5. What are some awesome things about yourself?
  6. In what ways could you grow, to further honor your extraordinary nature?
  7. Are you ashamed of anything? Are you right to be ashamed of any of those things?
  8. Were you taught that talking about yourself too much, or even at all, was rude, arrogant, or otherwise unattractive?
  9. What could you gain by having higher self-esteem?

The Limits of Skepticism

So, a contrary view to my post yesterday (because I am literally a Devil’s Advocate, haha):

Skepticism is not that helpful when you’re actually doing magic. I mean, you want to use discernment, but sitting there doubting that magic is real at all will get you a self-fulfilling lack of results. At least, in my experience, and in most magic philosophies I have encountered. In other words, magical thinking really is magical. 

Skepticism can’t give me the inner reserve of emotional strength that faith can. Feeling the presence of Lucifer, and even more importantly of my Inner Power, can keep me going in even the hardest of situations.

It might be right and helpful to doubt Lucifer at times, but there is no good reason to ever doubt myself. Sure, when I fail to call upon my Inner Power I can be weak, malicious, impulsive, and make bad choices. But when I keep in close contact with it, I have been astounded at how much braver, more patient, and compassionate I can be. Calling upon my own better nature has kept me sober for five plus years. It has allowed me to do things that terrify me. It has helped me be kind and restrained with even the most difficult people, a thing which, since I work in customer service, is very much to my benefit on a daily basis. Best of all, it has allowed me to heal relationships I thought I had completely destroyed during my addiction. 

I guess it’s possible to look at my Inner Power from an agnostic or even atheistic perspective. From that perspective, prayer and meditation are merely useful tools, tricks of the mind that for some reason allow me to access parts of myself that I can’t get at through pure logic or conscious thought.

But honestly, prayer and meditation, like magic, may not be the best places for skepticism. For this “trick of the mind” to really work, it may be helpful to imagine a spiritual dimension, whether that’s real or not. 

So I am torn, essentially, between the skeptical instinct to find “what is true” and the spiritual/practical drive to find “what works anyway, true or not.” And being torn is probably good, as long as it keeps me growing rather than in stasis. 

Also also also: in The Luminous Stone (which I have been citing way too frequently but hey, it’s the first and so far only book I actually have read which is entirely devoted to Lucifer as a deity), I encountered the idea that Luciferian revelation and gnosis is maybe NOT confined to the rational. Luciferian gnosis is not purely Apollonian, but also Dionysian, in other words. (Hell, I am pretty sure Apollo is not purely Apollonian in that sense, I mean, what’s all that stuff about the Oracle got to do with pure rationality?) I think that’s a very powerful idea to keep in mind. 

I really don’t want to get mired down in some dry, academic, empiricist approach to knowledge. I already know, from many personal experiences, that gut instinct and intuition can give me really important information that my conscious mind has not figured out yet. I’m talking about life-saving information, actually. I think it would be really dangerously stupid to discard truths that come from seemingly “irrational” sources, just as stupid as it would be to throw rationality out entirely. 

As hilariously paradoxical as this is (I’m a Luciferian, I’m used to paradox), I want to ask Lucifer, if he is real and if he is there, to guide my skepticism. Help me dose it properly. Help me with discernment. 

Rudolph Steiner, that fucker, would say I am torn between Luciferic mystical impulses and Arimahnic materialistic ones, and that I need Christ to mediate between the two. I think he’s got that trinity all mixed up, but nevermind. (Dammit, I am gonna have to write a post on anthroposophy soon, aren’t I?) 

I seek a Luciferian blend of spirituality with rationality (and sensuality). I want to blend the doubt and curiosity of Eve with the rational/sexual/spiritual revelation and apotheosis she gained by eating the apple. (Another note to self– write a piece analyzing Genesis 3.) 

May the path never get easier. May every revelation contain the seeds of its own debunking. May all of it always serve me well. 

Agnosticism

I feel a need to pull myself back a little, and cultivate some skepticism. 

I’ve been leaning very heavily on the “belief” side of my agnosticism lately and I feel like I need to chill. Personally, I maintain agnosticism for spiritual reasons and I will lose those benefits if I go full theist. 

I definitely like the feeling of belief. It makes me feel like I am never alone. It’s comfortable.

But I don’t think Lucifer, if he exists, wants me all that comfortable, and if I don’t exercise my skepticism I’m pretty damn sure he will pull away from me until I have to. 

So: Lucifer. Not even sure he’s really a thing. His very name is the result of a mistranslation. The passage it appears in (Isiah 14:12) might be about a human king anyway. He bears striking resemblance to various pre-Christian deities and mythological figures, and the name I call him by previously belonged to the Roman god of the morning star. 

In fact, the more you study, the harder he gets to pin down. Connections have been drawn between Lucifer and: Prometheus, Icarus, Dionysus, Apollo, Pan, the goddess Lucina/Saint Lucy, even Christ himself– and pretty much all of that just in The Luminous Stone. Some think he’s but one aspect of a single being named Satan. 

Some think him a sun god, others the god of the planet venus. Steiner says he lives on the Moon. Maybe that’s no more ridiculous than any other claim that involves Lucifer’s literal existence. 

Most of what I feel to be true about him is influenced by works of literature, not by scripture– which may be nothing more than fiction itself, anyway. 

I have had experiences, but they could easily have all come from my own imagination, or from coincidence. 

Maybe Lucifer is just a name I chose to invoke when I learn hard lessons the hard way, or when realization hits me like a stroke of lightning. 

Maybe Lucifer is just a fantasy figure, an archetype that I like.

If so, that’s fine. So be it, be it so. 

Lucifer, if you are there and you are real, this, too, is an offering to you. I give you my doubt and my critical thinking. 

Simple Offering to Lucifer: Eat Some Fucking Fruit!

So, I can’t believe this never occurred to my dumb ass before. 

A few minutes ago I was ardently praying to Lucifer, expressing how much I love him and want to feel him close, and asking him to let me know if we wants an offering or anything from me.

And it came into my head quite clearly:

Just eat some fruit. 

I mean… duh. What better way to honor the Serpent of Eden? 

An apple is traditional, but we don’t know exactly what the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge was. Some say a pomegranate. Enoch compared them to large grapes. I’m guessing “nothing that actually grows in this world” would be the most accurate answer.

I figured I would go with something vaguely round or oblong that grows on a tree. Apricots were what I had on hand– possibly my favorite fruit!

To make it an offering, I simply focused on savoring the fruit more completely than I normally would. I tried to be mindful of the taste, the texture, how the velvety skin felt against my tongue, the juices running down my hand. I chewed slowly and was mindful of the fruit sliding down my throat as I swallowed. 

Offering complete. 

(It occurs to me that with stone fruits there are probably a lot of things you would do with the pits. Plant them, use them in a ritual, etc. I composted them but may try other options when I do this again.)

I think Lucifer is a particularly good deity for offerings that also benefit you. He really seems to resist offerings that don’t benefit me, in fact. (Your mileage may vary of course, depending on your particular relationship to him.) So enjoying something healthy, delicious and deeply symbolic was perfect. 

I think I need to keep more fruit around. 

In the wake of that I also received a nudge to make more offerings to my Inner God/Higher Self. I need to ruminate on that idea, and will write on it more later when I have given it some thought.  

A Luciferian 4th Step

“Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

I’m an addict in 12 Step recovery, as I may have mentioned. It goes with my Luciferianism just fine.

Currently I am on Step 4 again (we do the steps over and over, not just once). The Fourth Step is sort of famous for being an ass-kicker. It’s difficult and terrifying, because it requires looking at ourselves deeply. 

This type of soul-searching is potentially very Luciferian in character. It’s about knowledge-seeking and truth-seeking, shedding illusions, bringing light to what was obscured– all this in pursuit of spiritual growth. It’s a good step on the way to apotheosis, in other words. 

Despite the very Luciferian nature of this work, I have been procrastinating from it lately through other witchy pursuits. I mean, why take a hard look at myself when I could be reading Enoch? 

But Lucifer never lets me slack for long, and kicked my ass towards shadow-self work. From there, it didn’t take me long to get it through my thick skull that the 4th Step itself is a form of deep and thorough shadow work. 

So, reluctantly, I sit down and down my damn stepwork. It doesn’t feel as magic or glamorous as that shit I do with cards and candles and dreams, but honestly I know from experience that the 12 Steps is the most transformative process I have ever undertaken. It IS magic in its own right.

I am grateful to have a badass witch for a sponsor, one who can help me incorporate my faith and my magic with my steps. 

And grateful that for my dual Higher Power I have my Inner God, who gives me all the courage, strength and emotional resources I need to deal with whatever may come.. and Lucifer, who never tolerates laziness or self-deception for long.