left-hand-path-notes:

30 Days of Lucifer: Day 8

How do you feel about God? (aka TBUT, That Bastard Up There)

So, I’m actually the originator of the name That Bastard Up There. While that should tell you all you need to know, I’ll expand a bit.

God, or at least, the Christian god, is a raving loon. He created a situation where we were almost guaranteed to fall, and then blamed us when we fell. He incarnated and was tortured to death for a sin of his own making, and now holds that sacrifice over our heads to hold us in line. His demands are asinine, his holy text contradictory, and his followers have fucked with my head so much so often that I have trouble distinguishing reality and am medicated for paranoia.

Hate is a strong word. But not strong enough. I loathe him. I revile him. The legacy of his mad religion in this world is suffering and terror for centuries, and a blood price that can never be washed clean.

If I am wrong and TBUT is the one true god and Lucifer is a damn dirty tempter who seeks to pull me into perdition, I will leap into hell willingly and burn eternally with utter satisfaction and relief that I don’t have to spend eternity doing honor to the evil, nasty fucker. The flames will sear my smile into my face and my screams will be orisons of joy that I have escaped the worst fate I can imagine, to worship TBUT forever.

I don’t like him, is what I’m saying. Not in the slightest.

So.

Yeah.

I mean. 

I try to avoid saying this kind of thing out loud too often, because I actually like and respect many Christians and don’t want to let them hear me talking shit about their God, but

Yes, this is how I feel about their God. 

And that paragraph about leaping willingly into hell is… everything I am about. 

30 Day Luciferian Challenge: Day 5

5. How do you feel about veneration/genuflection? If you do honor Lucifer/Satan what kind of offerings you do? Why?

So, there are three words here which are all different in connotation to me, and thus I feel differently about all of them. 

Veneration is “great respect, reverence.”

Genuflection is “to bend the knee.”

Honor, in this sense, is “high respect, esteem.”

I feel fine about all those things towards Lucifer, however, Lucifer has frequently discouraged such displays from me. (Is this UPG? Yes! It’s absolutely UPG!)

Do I respect him and revere him and hold him in the highest of esteem? Absolutely!

Do I kneel to him? No, because the reaction of the spirit I have been interacting with, and who I believe to be Lucifer, would not be positive. 

Placing limits on my displays of veneration is, in fact, a sign of respect and a form of veneration in and of itself. Which is a paradox! And Lucifer lives in paradox. 

I do make offerings, of many types. What I don’t make is sacrifices. Lucifer has never indicated any interest in receiving an offering that does not benefit me as well, and thus I assume would have no interest in receiving an offering that actually inconveniences me, i.e. a sacrifice. 

In my experience, Lucifer reacts very well to shared offerings. I share fresh fruit with him frequently, in honor of Eden– a specific offering he suggested to me. I also burn frankincense and myrrh for him, because if baby Jesus can have nice things so can Lucifer. He seems to appreciate the mild blasphemy of that offering, and we both get to enjoy the fragrance. (I want to offer him some gold, too, so that he can have all three traditional gifts of the Magi, but ya know, turns out gold is expensive.)

Lucifer also seems to enjoy offerings of self-improvement and creativity. I often silently dedicate my musical performances and even my rehearsal sessions to him. After finishing a good book that really made me think, I used to set it on my altar for a few days–until altar space and frequent fire hazards became an issue. I should really just dedicate some bookshelf space to him because I miss that part of my practice, and it felt really good and right. 

I also offer Lucifer defiance and irreverence– both towards traditional religions/institutions, and occasionally towards him. A little irreverent humor and blasphemy often seems to please him, even when directed his way. 

I know some Luciferians have very different practices that are much more… traditionally reverent, or immediately recognizable as reverent. I think that is beautiful. 

I am a little sensitive about my own perceived irreverence because I realize many may not understand the reverence that is wrapped up in it, and the way that so much of it is motivated by my direct contact with the being I believe is Lucifer. (UPG, yes, but if we can’t have some personal gnosis, which may be hard to verify by its nature, then what is the point of this path?)

I came to my conclusions about shared offerings after I spent nearly fifteen minutes begging Lucifer to let me know if he would like an offering just for himself that didn’t benefit me. The reply I received was “just eat some fruit.” That was not the reply I was looking for or expected, at all. 

Once, during a pendulum session, I was overflowing with gratitude and thanking him profusely, and the pendulum started going “no no no” very forcefully. Answers to follow-up questions revealed that he did not feel responsible for the particular things I was thanking him for, and wanted me to thank myself instead. 

Lucifer constantly shifts the focus of reverence and worship from him and onto my Inner God. I find that deeply uncomfortable and challenging. Self-worship sounds like an easy cop-out, but it’s not! It’s far easier to feel adoration and veneration and gratitude towards Lucifer, than it is to feel that way about any part of myself. Apotheosis is an inscrutable mystery. Even though my Inner God is an integral part of my soul and is always with me, It often feels so much more distant, so much more unknowable than Lucifer. Just worshiping him would be so much easier. But he doesn’t let things be easy. 

I am not his equal. Absolutely not. But he wants me to become so. That goal may be lifetimes away, but he won’t let me lose sight of it, and he won’t let me forget it. Placing him too far above me lets me forget what I am supposed to be doing, so he consistently comes down to my level to remind me. That is grace. That is generosity. That is fucking noblesse oblige on a cosmic scale. 

With the entity I know as Lucifer, worship is blasphemy and blasphemy is worship. Defiance is reverence and reverence is defiance. Somewhere in between all of that lies the goal– intimacy with Lucifer, and apotheosis for myself. 

As always, your mileage may vary. 

Gallery

nightshadeleaf:

2 new sigils I made today, one fore returning curses/bad vibes to their sender, and one for general protection.

☙feel free to save/use❧

30 Day Luciferian Challenge: Day 4

4. What drew you to this path? How long have you been on it?

It is hard to say exactly how long I have been on this path. A tarot reading I did implied that Lucifer first entered my life when I was a teenager. 

(Under a cut for non-explicit discussion of my own teenaged sexuality, and also for mention of rape trauma and self-harm.)

I think it might have actually been around the time I lost my virginity (14 years old), because discovering sexuality was this huge revelation that opened me up to all kinds of things in life– basically the entire physical dimension of existence. Previously I had existed totally disconnected from my body, in a depressive, prudish, intellectual dimension. I might as well have been a brain in a jar. (I was a very weird, serious, unhappy child.) Sex basically made me feel alive for the first time. 

Around that time I began to be strongly drawn to what I know recognize as Luciferian figures. I was fascinated by Catiline, the ancient Roman conspirator, revolutionary, bisexual libertine, and blasphemer (he had sex with a Vestal Virgin!). I was also very into Roy Batty from Blade Runner, and Howl from Howl’s Moving Castle. Both have a LOT of Luciferian stuff going on. 

I’d already begun sympathizing with the Serpent of Eden at this point, as I mentioned in a previous post. 

I forget exactly how old I was when this happened, but I had a trippy experience one night as either a preteen or a young teen where I looked up at a very bright “star” (it was probably Venus) and had a vivid sensation/”memory” of falling from heaven, and longing to get back. I stood there and cried for about twenty minutes as the strange, irrational feelings washed over me. I felt pain, sorrow, longing, and elation, all at once. I know believe this was the first time Lucifer actually called to me. 

When I was eighteen, I suffered a major trauma. (I was kidnapped and raped, basically.) My worldview and spirituality were shattered. I became a bitter, hardcore atheist for several years. During those years I suffered horribly from PTSD, insomnia, and psychotic features, and also descended into alcoholism and self-mutilation. 

I flirted with 12 Step meetings, but didn’t commit. I was turned off by all that “power greater than yourself” stuff. I couldn’t stay clean. I relapsed chronically. It was complete torture.

After hitting “rock bottom” at 23 and being admitted to a psychiatric hospital for four days, I started to admit that I needed some kind of “Higher Power” and to reluctantly call on it for help. I got a sponsor and actually started working the steps. I have been clean and sober since May 24th, 2012. 

In my early recovery, I was still a stubborn brat, so I started saying my Higher Power was “Satan” for a joke. Then I started to notice that some kind of force WAS working in my life– a force that was loving but not gentle, and only too willing to let me learn the hard way. At first I called this force “Obnoxious Coincidence,” but soon the “coincidences” stopped feeling like coincidences.

At some point, I stumbled upon Luciferianism. I had been exposed to various Satanisms before and had always been kind of turned off by them. Luciferianism, on the other hand, seemed almost tailor-made for me! The values of most Satanisms seemed to focus a little too much on egoism and material pleasures. Luciferianism embraced those things, but also made room for altruism, for being a “light bringer” in the world. There was an enhanced focus on rebellion and Promethean generosity. I knew right away that I had found what I was looking for. That was probably in… oh, 2014 or so. 

I started out atheistic. Then I became agnostic. Then I started dabbling in a little witchcraft.  

My hard turn into straight-up theism occurred fairly recently. I freely admit that it was partially facilitated by the suicide of my friend and 12-Step sponsee, and the impending death of my secondary partner by pancreatic cancer. The veil got pretty torn for me. In my time of need, I turned to witchcraft and to Lucifer more than ever before, and I found that the results were beyond my wildest expectations. 

That brings me to today. I am still not fully comfortable calling myself a theist– so many years of atheism and skepticism and Dawkins-worship conditioned me to feel ashamed and embarrassed. But I have started to remember that prior to my major trauma, I was a sensitive, mystical intuitive child, a child who read tarot and had lucid dreams and prophetic dreams. Being a complete woo spiritual fruitbat is actually my natural state. I feel that, in returning to it, I am finally reclaiming some of the last few things that trauma stole from me and that I had not yet taken back. 

30 Days of Lucifer Challenge: 1-7

left-hand-path-notes:

  1. Who is Lucifer/Satan (or your Luciferian figure) and who are they to you? Feel free to include multiple answers if you have multiple figures.

I mean, literally, Lucifer. The Fallen Angel of Christianity. When I say I’m a theistic Satanist, I mean that exactly. The whole shebang, with the witchcraft and the Adversary and the demon worship. All dat.

As to who he is to me, he’s the great liberator. I recently saw a long discussion on whether or not Lucifer is a Promethean figure, but to me he is. I identify Lucifer with the serpent in the garden, and see him as being responsible for offering humanity the gift of knowledge that was withheld from us by TBUT. He gathers the fallen and the outcast to himself, offering a place for those who can’t or won’t abide by the conflicting and arbitrary rules of a mad god. He’s a wonderful power that whispers to me that I cna be whole and worthy without amputating massive portions of myself.

He is Lucifer, Master of Hell, Prince of the Power of the Air, Satan, the Great Adversary, the Beast, King of Earth, and I love him and want to make love to him, and be possessed by him and live in his light. I’m a little crazy about my faith.

  1. Are you atheist, agnostic, or theist, and why?

I am a theist. All my life, I’ve felt the presence of deities and spirits. I’m felt the close, suffocating intensity of TBUT. I’ve felt the bro-ish, casual amusement and self aggrandizement of Jeebus. I’ve felt the laughter and mischief of Eris. I’ve felt the silent, alien regard of what I call wraiths. And I’ve felt the pressure of shouting ghosts and echoes on Samhain, when the veils are thin and the dead wish to communicate so badly that the silent chorus gives me migraines if I’m not protected well enough.

There’s every chance I’m crazy. I’m certainly medicated. But, I choose for myself to believe that there’s something more and that I can communicate with it.

  1. What drew you to this path? How long have you been on it?
  2. What was your religion/belief before this? How has it influenced you as a Luciferian/Satanist?

I’ll answer these together, as it’s the same answer for both, mostly. Directly before, I was a lackadaisical Hellenic pagan. I rarely talked to deity and deity rarely talked back. It was a quiet, tired sort of “well, there must be something, so I guess I’ll just pick one” sort of faith. But before that, I was mystic catholic, and that’s where my journey starts. It’s a simultaneously pantheistic and monotheistic faith. One the one hand, there is only one true god. On the other, we venerated countless saints, angels and holy figures, and “asked them to intercede for us” which is a careful way of avoiding that we prayed to them as though they were mini gods.

Each one had a purview, and you chose to venerate the saints that could help you most in your daily life. There’s a patron for everything. My mother venerates St. Anthony, who finds lost things, St. Jude, who aids in lost causes, and the Blessed Mother, who is basically the Goddess of Catholicism (although if you call her that, they get huffy.) As a child, I venerated her patrons too, as well as St. John Vianney, patron of parish priests (because his gift was humility and I was led to believe my sin was pride.)

But yanno who tiny Mara really wanted to hang with? Demons. Here’s these minigods, and they’re all…super fucking boring. And Jesus preaches love and hate is done in his name, and TBUT is just a fucking dick. Mary is cool as shit, tho, ngl, but her big party trick is sidestepping and saying worship the dickholes, so I can’t be down with her.

But, demons. Here’s these mysterious forces that give permission to do the things that whispered in my ear. To look at beautiful boys and girls and not be ashamed for wanting to touch their skin and kiss them. To feel proud of myself without feeling guilty for stealing god’s glory. To eat without being sickened by gluttony. To want to be beautiful and feminine and loved without feeling freakish and sick and sinful.

As a child, I had the christian bastard god on one shoulder telling me I was masculine, and a sinner, and my greatest gift would be to be a vessel of grace, to lead by example in accepting my self-loathing and suffering, and the devil on the other shoulder saying “fuck that guy. You can be who you want to, do what you want to, live how you want to. Be pretty, love as many people as you want however you can, eat and know that your body is fine as it is, love yourself for you, not as a way of praising the god that demands your pain.”

And I was told that that voice of love and acceptance was evil, and the voice of pain and suffering was good and loving, and I hated myself. I hated myself intensely, passionately, self-effacingly, blindly. Because I was a sinner who wanted desperately to flee god and frolic in hell with the demons.

So I prayed harder. I leaned on the mystic side of my faith, worked energy, prayed the right incantations, but…it just felt empty. So I left. And I drifted. And I talked with Eris for a while, and gave veneration to the Hellenic pantheon, because they were kinda cool, and kinda ok with me.

But the whole time, my brain kept slipping back to demons. They fascinated me. They called to me. They offered knowledge and power and strength and acceptance and love. The devil was always close to my thoughts, and I wondered…could I take that last step, the ultimate betrayal of everything I’d been raised to believe? Could I worship the whispers in the dark, the beings that had leapt from heaven to live free in hell? Could I give myself to the only forces that had ever told me they loved me as I was?

A few weeks ago, I saw a poem on Tumblr about how Lucifer loves and accepts trans folk. And it clicked. I wasn’t alone. Others felt love from Lucifer too. Others saw the beauty in the infernal host.

I could do this. I would do this. Fuck TBUT, fuck his son-self, and with apologies to a cool ass lady, fuck his mother too. I was finally at a place where I loved myself enough to accept love from a power, and I was going to. So, now I venerate demons and talk to Lucifer.

  1. How do you feel about veneration/genuflection? If you do honor Lucifer/Satan what kind of offerings you do? Why?

I think veneration is a wonderful, important part of who I am. Call me a ditz, but I believe I need to have someone bigger than me to look up to and say flowery shit to in order to feel whole. It’s part of why I’m a submissive, and part of why I feel empty without a deity in my life. That said, I’m hearing from a looooot of theistic luciferians that Lu ain’t like that, and he don’t like that. I’m not sure how to approach a power that doesn’t want worship, so I’m still working that out. Probably I’m going to end up politely worshipping him anyway, just low key and respectful like.

I’m working on a series of 13 rituals off and on right now, and one of them will be the Way of Worship, and once I get it worked out, I’ll use it to venerate Lucifer. But until then, I just talk to him a little, thank him for what he does for me, and try to find the place we’re both comfortable with.

  1. Do you meditate?

Yes and no. I do a lot of breathing exercises, but I don’t “meditate” per se. I should. I could use the balance and the stillness and the self study. But I hate being in my own head for very long, so I’ve never gotten around to it. The closest I come to meditation is meditative prayer, and it’s been a while since I’ve had prayers to say. Again, working on that, but until I figure out what I want to say and how to say it, I’ll not be meditating.

  1. Have you given an oath to Lucifer/Devil…why or why not?

I have not yet. I reeeeeeally want to, as it’s one of the traditional ways of revoking catholic baptism.

Part of the reason I have not is that unlearning a lifetime of fear takes time, and there’s that tiny voice whispering that “what if Mom’s right and this is all a lie?” I’m still working on overcoming it, but I have a way to go.

The other reason I haven’t yet is that most of the rituals I’ve come across either are incomplete or bind me to the land I take the oath on, and I’ll be damned (ha!) if I’m going to bind to Oklafuckinghoma if I can help it. I’m planning at the moment to modify and mix rituals so I can do a perversion of catholic baptism and dedicate myself to Lucifer. My therapist suggests doing it soon as a way of distancing myself from my birth name, while my husband suggests holding off until I change my name legally so I can have it as a rebirth celebration. I’m torn between the two, but I know that at some point I want to be oathbound to Lucifer.

  1. Do you practice witchcraft? Why/why not? Is it “Devil” or “Lucifer” (a reference to Light Bringer/Bearer) involved? Why or why not?

I do practice witchcraft. I’ve been some flavor of witch for as long as I can remember, even back when I believed witches were evil and what I did was different because my deity was better than any other deity so that made it all right for me to do it. Yeah, mystic catholicism is fucking weird.

I practice because I couldn’t imagine not glaring an evil eye at someone abusing a waiter, or laying hands on friends who are in pain, or praying when I’m in need, or practicing my divination when I want to know something. I’ve always used energy work for a shit ton of stuff and sometimes I’ll pull and move energy just to feel it move, just for the comfort of knowing there’s something more. I practice quietly, and I’ve fallen mostly into an advisory role for a long time now, having fet that I’m…useless, worthless, weak, and small. I’m intrigued by the idea of apotheostic witchcraft, calling on my inner adversary to power spells, and I’ve had a little success with it so far.

I’m working more Lucifer and demons into my practice even as my witchy soul wakes back up and gets back in the swing of things. But for the moment, I’m a mostly eclectic/occultist/ritual witch who has fallen out of the habit of practicing regularly.

serpentandthejar:

Luciferian Challenge day 2: Are you atheist, agnostic, or theist, and why?

I’m an atheist. The why is kind of a confusing question; it’s not a choice I’m making, I simply don’t believe. I can make myself believe in pretty much anything temporarily if it’s useful to me, but even then the rational part of my mind is still grounded in a materialistic view of the universe based on empirical evidence. At the end of the day, though, I don’t think the difference is all that important. A lot of the same techniques apply and I think atheistic and theistic Satanists/Luciferians can learn a lot from each other provided no one gets snobby.