- I am above holding on to this anger.
- I am strong enough and generous enough to forgive those who are worthy of forgiveness.
- I am honest enough to admit that my anger may stem from another source, and may be projected onto those who have not earned it.
- I am confident enough to assert myself without anger. I know how to fight for my rights without anger.
- I am not so delicate that I must make anger my mask, my armor, my sword and shield, to keep those who only want to love me at bay.
- I am not ashamed of my tears and will not apologize for what I feel, only for what I do and say.
- I am wise enough to laugh at my own foolishness.
Tag Archives: my writing
Apotheosis means becoming the Devil.
I apologize for being somewhat silent on this blog lately. My focus shifted for a bit, from inward and studious to outward and sensual. This focus shift has been incredibly profitable for me, though, and I am finally at a point where I want to try to share what I’ve learned.
I think it started when Lucifer promised me a dream. I asked him if he would re-send the dream if necessary, since I don’t always have perfect dream recall– he agreed. Three nights in a row I tried to remember my dreams. On the third, I was successful. In the dream, I was reading strange tarot cards that were all emblazoned with the words “THOU ART GOD.” A ritual candle bearing the same words was burning nearby. Unlike in most dreams, that text did not shift or change when I looked away from it and then back. It remained consistent. (The shifting nature of text in dreams is so common and so pronounced that it can be used as a “state check” to see if one is dreaming in order to prompt a lucid dream.)
I knew I had received my dream from Lucifer, and that he was reminding me to seek apotheosis.
I knew apotheosis, becoming one’s own god, was the ultimate goal of Luciferianism. Yet apotheosis had on some levels failed to inspire me. When I thought about becoming “god” or “godlike” I was still projecting what that would be based on the associations I have with the word “God,” which are essentially associations with the Demiurge. Becoming “like the most high” wasn’t really a goal I could relate to.
But after the dream, something clicked into place. I found myself striving to embody the divine in an infernal, rather than a heavenly, sense. I found myself striving to be more like MY god– like my beloved devil.
Not that I want to be some kind of pale human imitation of Lucifer, mind you. Not at all. To try to be like Lucifer is to fail, because Lucifer is, first and foremost, unique and utterly himself. But it really helped me reframe my goals and get more excited about apotheosis to think of self-deification in more diabolical terms.
For those just tuning in, becoming diabolical isn’t about being “evil,” per se. Not to me. It’s more about principles of liberation, pleasure, self-indulgence, pride, power, creativity, rebellion, ingenuity, curiosity– also a certain fierceness and fire. The embracing of things sometimes considered sins– lust, vanity, greed, gluttony, although I try to take my sloth and wrath in small doses, and avoid envy altogether.
I have found myself, slowly, becoming a more powerful, more compelling, more vital version of myself. I am growing in energy, pride, and boldness. I am blossoming. And I am getting more of what I want– maybe because I am asking for it, with confidence, grace and charm.
I’m not about to get lazy. I’m not here to claim I have reached anything near apotheosis. But I can feel myself making the steps. I can feel myself becoming more of what I want to be.
And that brings me such peace, such pride, such deep satisfaction.
It seems to be a common theme for most Luciferians to have experiences with Lucifer as him with blond hair? Can any other Luciferians verify?
I have experienced where Lucifer is a black woman. But generally, my experience of Lucifer is in a black suit and white gloves but I cannot see any notable physical features. Another playful feature Lucifer does is appear with very cosmic features, where the eyes burn like stars and the skin looks like the night sky.
I don’t really experience Lucifer as humanoid at all, but sometimes I think of him as looking something like Naveen Andrews.
Look I don’t wanna fight or make anyone feel judged for seeing Lucifer as a blond white guy, because to be quite honest, I have seen him that way too.
But I think the reason for this commonality is not that he is actually a blond white guy, but more because we believe Lucifer is beautiful and male and we’ve been conditioned by society to think beautiful males are blond and white.
Also, ya know… the Lucifer comics have likely done a number on many of our brains, for good or ill.
I remember a while back the discussions about Lucifer’s appearance got so heated that after a while, some people just refused to comment on it.
Lucifer’s beauty is something I don’t think we, as humans, will ever be able to truly ever quantify or make sense of. We all translate his splendour into images we can understand, I think. Like @brightestandbest pointed out, I can imagine each person sees him as a humanoid figure that they would consider to be the most beautiful and tempting. For a lot of people, that translates to “blonde white guy.” (I believe the original Sandman comics had him being modelled after david bowie.) So I think it’s definitely important to question your prejudices and examine why you might see him in a certain way.
But the bottom line is that his physical appearance and beauty should be inconsequential, I think. Would you not still love him is he was disgraced and ugly, or an abomination? Would that change how you see him, how you interact with him? Important food for thought I think.
Thank you.
Lucifer IS beautiful, and he is ALSO a disgraced, ugly abomination, and also not truly a “him,” in all likelihood.
Lucifer is a serpent, a star, an angel, a demon, a great red dragon, a hideous monster of the abyss, a seductive beauty beyond compare. Lucifer is many things. Sometimes, Lucifer is a blond white guy.
But we would be fools to think that is “his” “true” form.
Lucifer Zine #1
I made a zine.
I would love to be able to make it available for free to people who are not geographically close to me, but printing was expensive and shipping is too. I am working on figuring out how to make it into a PDF that can be freely available– although honestly this first one is mostly comprised of writings that are already on this tumblr.
And yes, there will be more issues. And yes, future issues will be looking for contributors. Stay tuned.
Mini book review: “A History of Witchcraft: Sorcerers, Heretics and Pagans” by Jeffrey Burton Russell
Jeffrey Burton Russell has sure written a lot about witchcraft and also about the history of the Devil– so I suppose he can be forgiven for citing his own other books in the bibliography.
This slim, elaborately illustrated volume is clearly meant to be one of his more “consumable” books, aimed at the lay person. I suspect it is meant almost as a condensation of his longer, more academic works.
A lot of the scholarship seems pretty solid, but he makes some assertions that I would love to see citations for (for example, that British “cunning folk” regularly collaborated with witchfinders and bear some responsibility for the executions of witches!).
The section on “modern witchcraft” is fairly dated, and deals mostly with Wicca in the ‘70s.
Overall, however, this is a good read. I appreciated Russell’s genuinely agnostic take– it is rare to find a scholar who is not into witchcraft himself who is so sympathetic to the practice of witchcraft. I also deeply appreciated his survey of striking similarities between witch lore the world over, and his admission that the reasons for these similarities remain largely unknown.
30 Day Luciferian Challenge: Day 12
12.
Dogma is something we throw about…that we reject it. Where do you think we may fall short as Luciferians/Satanists when it comes to dogma? Do you think dogma has certain value?
Definition of dogma
plural dogmas also dogmata
1a : something held as an established opinion; especially a definite authoritative tenet
b : a code of such tenets
- pedagogical dogma
c : a point of view or tenet put forth as authoritative without adequate grounds
2:a doctrine or body of doctrines concerning faith or morals formally stated and authoritatively proclaimed by a church
(From Miriam Webster)
I think this is a good question because dogma does get thrown around as a buzzword far too often, to the point where anyone who has or expresses an opinion about anything at call could get called “dogmatic” by some ignorant jerk on the internet.
Dogmas are beliefs handed down from higher authorities, and it is a term deriving from the Catholic church. “Authoritative” really is the key word to understanding what “dogma” means.
I recognize no higher authority within Luciferianism/Satanism, including Lucifer/Satan himself. So I’m leery when some guy like Anton LaVey or Michael W. Ford tries to set himself up as an authority. Satanic/Luciferian churches, organizations, cults, orders, etc. usually leave a bad taste in my mouth– because it seems like all of them end up being goddamn hierarchical! A bunch of followers repeating “I will not bow” and then proceeding to kiss the ass of the Grand Poobah– and often paying membership dues for the privilege!
Someday it would be lovely to stumble across a Satanic/Luciferian church, temple, order, or whatever that I felt comfortable with, because I do long for community. But so far I have yet to find anything of the sort that wasn’t ultimately controlled by some dude on an ego trip (usually with a pretentious assumed name).
So given that I reject the Satanic/Luciferian churches, orders, etc. that I know of, and also feel under no obligation to uncritically accept even the messages I seem to receive from Lucifer himself, there is no source of “dogma” for me that I find valid.
As far as I can tell, it appears that Lucifer appreciates it when we think for ourselves with our own brains. That’s the whole point of the exercise.
There is also an emphasis in my practice on maintaining doubt and mental flexibility about “facts” that I hold to be true. I recognize that, with new information, even strongly held beliefs may be subject to change.
Now, does this mean we should isolate ourselves and reject all knowledge that comes from outside ourselves? Of course not! Does it mean we should be disrespectful to older and more experienced practitioners, and dismiss what they may have to teach us? Not at all! Valid knowledge can come from almost anywhere.
But Luciferianism, in my view, is about doing your own mental work, not simply accepting a ready-made set of beliefs handed down by someone or something that is presumed to “know better.”
So no, I don’t think dogma has a place in this community.
Call me dogmatic for that if you like (but you’d probably be using the word wrong).
30 Day Luciferian Challenge: Day…. 9?
Whelp. I’m back at it. Who said it had to be 30 consecutive days, eh?
Also, perusing my archives, it appears I somehow skipped lightly over Day 9. So I will fix that right now.
9. How do you feel about God? (aka TBUT, That Bastard Up There)
I started writing a long rant with my personal opinions, but upon reflection, I’d like to approach this in a different way– with scripture.
By the way, there is a trigger warning on this post for: rape, misogyny, child abuse, incest, homophobia, whorephobia, human sacrifice, slavery, and genocide.
If you think I am taking things out of context, feel free to go and look up the quotes. There are a lot more things in the Bible that sound really, really bad, but have context that makes them… sort of OK? I have deliberately chosen only passages I found unjustifable in context and/or in any context.
Genesis 22:2 Then God said, “Take your son, your only son, whom you love—Isaac—and go to the region of Moriah. Sacrifice him there as a burnt offering on a mountain I will show you.”
1 Samuel 15:2-3 Thus saith the LORD of hosts … go and smite Amalek, and utterly destroy all that they have, and spare them not; but slay both man and woman, infant and suckling, ox and sheep, camel and ass.
1 Timothy 2:12 I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent.
Judges 11:30-35 And Jephthah made a vow to the Lord: “If you give the Ammonites into my hands, 31 whatever comes out of the door of my house to meet me when I return in triumph from the Ammonites will be the Lord’s, and I will sacrifice it as a burnt offering.”32 Then Jephthah went over to fight the Ammonites, and the Lord gave them into his hands. 33 He devastated twenty towns from Aroer to the vicinity of Minnith, as far as Abel Keramim. Thus Israel subdued Ammon.34 When Jephthah returned to his home in Mizpah, who should come out to meet him but his daughter, dancing to the sound of timbrels! She was an only child. Except for her he had neither son nor daughter. 35 When he saw her, he tore his clothes and cried, “Oh no, my daughter! You have brought me down and I am devastated. I have made a vow to the Lord that I cannot break.”
1 Peter 2:18 Slaves, submit yourselves to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the cruel.
Genesis 19:8 Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes.
Genesis 38:24 Tamar thy daughter in law hath played the harlot; and also, behold, she is with child by whoredom. And Judah said, Bring her forth, and let her be burnt.
Deuteronomy 22:28-29
If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found; Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.
Leviticus 20:13 If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.
Numbers 31:17-18 Now therefore, kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known man intimately. But all the girls who have not known man intimately, spare for yourselves.
2 Kings 23:20-25 And he slew all the priests of the high places that were there upon the altars, and burned men’s bones upon them, and returned to Jerusalem.
Genesis 19:34-36 On the following day, the firstborn said to the younger, “Behold, I lay last night with my father; let us make him drink wine tonight also; then you go in and lie with him, that we may preserve our family through our father.” So they made their father drink wine that night also, and the younger arose and lay with him; and he did not know when she lay down or when she arose. Thus both the daughters of Lot were with child by their father.
I could go on. But instead I am going to ask a few serious questions:
Why is Satanism associated with human sacrifice, when there is so much human sacrifice condoned by God in the Bible?
If we as Satanists and Luciferians defy this God, why would we ever condone things like slavery, rape, genocide, and human sacrifice? (I’m looking at you, edgelord Nazi Satanists. Fuck off.)
Looking at these quotes, I feel like Christian stereotypes of Satanists are straight-up projection. Child sacrifice, blood ritual, incest, sexual abuse, and murder have long been accusations with which Christians have confronted their enemies– witches, heretics, Jews, Muslims, and pagans alike. Yet it’s all there in the “good book”– and God approved.
Are we, in turning away from a God like this, truly evil? By what reasonable human standard could that possibly be true?
30 Day Luciferian Challenge: Day 11
11. Do you believe in hell? What kind of place do you think it is?
(link to challenge because it’s now far enough down my blog that it’s getting hard to find it)
I don’t really believe in hell. I don’t really believe in heaven.
I accept the remote possibility that maybe hell exists and is a terrible place where I will burn forever for being a Satanic fool, but them’s the wages of free will. I would rather take that risk freely than worship That Bastard Up There (TBUT) and do everything He says in life, just so I can do even more obeying Him and worshipping Him in heaven.
I don’t really believe in reincarnation either, exactly. It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me to just keep reincarnating on the same planet again and again and again. What’s the point?
I do however seem to believe in some sort of afterlife… in fact, “afterlife” is a very apt description of it. My best guess is that when we die, we move on to another plane where we live a different life, with different challenges and opportunities for growth, as spiritual beings. In that life eventually we may die as well and advance to yet another plane, and another after that, until eventually, maybe… we become Gods.
Somebody told me this is kind of a Hermetic idea. I know basically nothing about Hermeticism but maybe that’s the wheel I was reinventing with that.
On a more somber and down-to-earth note, I believe in living hell, especially today when I look out my window and see the sky completely gray, not with clouds, but with thick smoke from the wildfires up north. Climate change is in the process of turning the world into an inferno. We need to wise up and do something about this.
I think about the huge squalid tent cities that already exist in San Francisco and Oakland, and I think about all the people who lost their homes to the fires and wonder how much those tent cities are about to grow, and I think about how callous and ignorant most people are about the tent cities and the people in them, and I just know….
Hell is human evil and the ways it shapes the world.
But we could make this place paradise, too.
30 Day Luciferian Challenge: Day 10
10. Do you have any daily practices or do you celebrate any holidays i.e. sabbats? Or are your holidays not religious related?
I do have daily practices, which are mostly related to my 12 step program, but I am a Luciferian so Lucifer is all up in them, too.
I pray every morning. I read the “Just For Today” NA Meditation of the day. I try to write some stepwork every day. Then at night, I write my 10th step, which is basically like a quick review of the day, the feelings I had, any mistakes I made, what I did well, what I didn’t do so well.
Part of why 12 step recovery is great for me, not only as an addict but also as a Luciferian, is because it’s part self-care and part self-improvement. It keeps me clean, but doesn’t just keep me out of negative patterns– it also helps me grow positively.
Less frequently, like a few times a week, I meditate. I go to 12 step meetings. I’ll light some candles and incense on my altar, maybe get out my pendulum or read some tarot, maybe cast a spell.
I am trying to get into daily dream journaling, but I haven’t been the best at that lately. I also need to practice my astral projection attempts way more frequently if I want it to ever actually work.
As far as holidays go– I stole the idea of my own birthday being the most sacred day of the year. I think that’s a LaVeyan thing. I am also just utterly done with Christmas and am considering just being especially obnoxiously Satanic this year around that time, more as a survival tactic than anything else. In case it’s not clear, I am blatantly talking about just making some bullshit up so I won’t be driven insane by Capitalist Jesus Month, I am not talking about any legit holiday that I can justify historically or scripturally.
Now that I think about it, it would be REALLY COOL to make up Luciferian holidays devoted to celebrating the Fall from Heaven and the Fall from Eden. I am not sure on what the timing of those would be. Needs more thought.
I kiiinda celebrate solstices and equinoxes because one of my covens does stuff for those. But the wheel of the year is not really my jam. To be honest, my practice is not terribly in tune with the cycles of the sun and moon in general.
I did, however, utterly lose my shit and spend the entire day in Luciferian devotion when the full solar eclipse happened. That was just… cooooool. I also recently had a lovely time during a lightning storm, hanging out outside burning incense and candles and thinking about Lucifer.
So I guess what I am saying is that, while holidays and sabbats are nice, I do really love my spontaneous days of devotion as well.
30 Day Luciferian Challenge: Day 8
8. Do you practice witchcraft why/why not? Is it “Devil” or “Lucifer” (a reference to Light Bringer/Bearer) involved? Why or why not?
I am a witch because… I just am.
I realize that sounds pretentious. I don’t claim to be super powerful or super special. I don’t claim to come from a long line of amazing witches tracing their lineage back to wherever the fuck. I do, however, have a witchy mother, and the tarot cards she gifted me with were her mother’s before her. So, something’s going on with us. There’s some kind of sensitivity and interest that we just seem to have.
I was reading tarot and having lucid dreams, and prophetic dreams, even as a child. I was designing sigils before I even know what sigils were, and that they could be used for magic! I learned how to shield myself with energy while I was still a kid. Some of these things I was taught, some I intuited, some I sought out and learned myself.
As a young adult I became very skeptical, but I still for some reason kept collecting tarot decks and doing other things typical of the “witch in denial.”
Eventually I stopped resisting my natural impulses and started doing the things that felt right to me, and a lot of those things are referred to as “magic” or “witchcraft.”
As you might be able to tell from this, I’ve been sort of a casual, intuitive practitioner until recently. I am now trying to do some research and step up my game. I find myself most inspired by the stereotypical ideas of diabolical medieval witchcraft– flying off to the witches Sabbath to bone the Devil, etc. The confessions extracted from “witches” under torture paint a picture of a practice that probably never existed, and yet… I could make parts of it real, you know?
(Minus the child murdering and cannibalism, not my jam. And unfortunately I just don’t have an extra nipple to feed my familiar XD.) But I can learn astral flight. I can go give myself to Lucifer sexually on the astral plane. I can make potions and do divination and cast curses and charms. Embodying that archetype, whether it ever existed or not, is what is truly interesting to me.
At the same time, my research into “traditional witchcraft” and “sabbatic craft” has been both inspiring and at times frustrating. I’m a little too eclectic by nature to fit into those comfortably, and I have no interest in an initiatory path, or in putting myself in a situation with human hierarchies.
I’m not completely solitary– I loosely belong to at least three informal, overlapping “covens.” I have mentors and people who I look up to and get advice from.
But look– I already believe I am talking directly to Lucifer. He is my main mentor, guide, and initiator. Given that, honestly, why would I let a human being initiate me?
My mind could be changed if I found a coven or group that is VERY in line with my values and very egalitarian in nature, but honestly most Luciferian groups I have come across are not terribly trustworthy and are big old cults of personality. Anybody trying to be the LaVey of Luciferianism can suck it. I want nothing to do with that.
All that said, I consider myself a novice with pretty much everything except tarot, with which I consider myself intermediate. Sometimes my spells seem to work. Sometimes they don’t.
I am fortunate enough to work in a queer coffee shop almost entirely staffed by trans witches. I am the only Luciferian in the mix but everyone else is friendly to my path. We have a Thelemite, a bunch of assorted Chaotes, another Satanist more on the atheistic spectrum, a traditional witch with hermetic flavors. (You guessed it– I consider the cafe one of my “covens.”) But what’s really cool is that my workplace is literally always filled with sigils, doodled on sticky notes or drawn in dry-erase marker on the white tiles of the walls.
Sigils hidden behind the tip jar for better tips. Sigils to protect the cafe. Sigils for fuck knows what, the boss drew it and no one really knows what it’s for so better not fuck with it. Sigils charging underneath the blistering hot water of the espresso machine.
On slow days, I practice my sigil craft to improve business. It’s great because I can see immediately how it worked, and I am surrounded by other witches who can suggest ways to tweak my wording and improve results when it doesn’t go as planned.
(Yeah, I basically work in witch heaven– or hell, depending on your point of view.)
So a lot of my successes have been in the area of money magic, because that’s what I get to practice most. I also seem to do fairly well with anything involving protection.
Still, I consider my greatest talents to be in the areas of divination, not spell-casting.
And I am still learning. Oh my gosh am I still learning! One problem with being so eclectic is that I have built my path from bits and pieces rather than coherently from the ground up, and I am still discovering ways in which I am missing basics. For example, recently I gave another witch a case of the vapors when she found out I had no idea how to gather energy from sources other than myself, and was basically just throwing a ton of my own energy into every spell, leaving me exhausted every time I did magic.
OOPS.
So yeah, that’s me. Eclectic, novice, inspired by aspects of traditional witchcraft, chaos magic, and pretty much anything I stumble across that I like.