4. What drew you to this path? How long have you been on it?

It is hard to say exactly how long I have been on this path. A tarot reading I did implied that Lucifer first entered my life when I was a teenager. 

(Under a cut for non-explicit discussion of my own teenaged sexuality, and also for mention of rape trauma and self-harm.)

I think it might have actually been around the time I lost my virginity (14 years old), because discovering sexuality was this huge revelation that opened me up to all kinds of things in life– basically the entire physical dimension of existence. Previously I had existed totally disconnected from my body, in a depressive, prudish, intellectual dimension. I might as well have been a brain in a jar. (I was a very weird, serious, unhappy child.) Sex basically made me feel alive for the first time. 

Around that time I began to be strongly drawn to what I know recognize as Luciferian figures. I was fascinated by Catiline, the ancient Roman conspirator, revolutionary, bisexual libertine, and blasphemer (he had sex with a Vestal Virgin!). I was also very into Roy Batty from Blade Runner, and Howl from Howl’s Moving Castle. Both have a LOT of Luciferian stuff going on. 

I’d already begun sympathizing with the Serpent of Eden at this point, as I mentioned in a previous post. 

I forget exactly how old I was when this happened, but I had a trippy experience one night as either a preteen or a young teen where I looked up at a very bright “star” (it was probably Venus) and had a vivid sensation/”memory” of falling from heaven, and longing to get back. I stood there and cried for about twenty minutes as the strange, irrational feelings washed over me. I felt pain, sorrow, longing, and elation, all at once. I know believe this was the first time Lucifer actually called to me. 

When I was eighteen, I suffered a major trauma. (I was kidnapped and raped, basically.) My worldview and spirituality were shattered. I became a bitter, hardcore atheist for several years. During those years I suffered horribly from PTSD, insomnia, and psychotic features, and also descended into alcoholism and self-mutilation. 

I flirted with 12 Step meetings, but didn’t commit. I was turned off by all that “power greater than yourself” stuff. I couldn’t stay clean. I relapsed chronically. It was complete torture.

After hitting “rock bottom” at 23 and being admitted to a psychiatric hospital for four days, I started to admit that I needed some kind of “Higher Power” and to reluctantly call on it for help. I got a sponsor and actually started working the steps. I have been clean and sober since May 24th, 2012. 

In my early recovery, I was still a stubborn brat, so I started saying my Higher Power was “Satan” for a joke. Then I started to notice that some kind of force WAS working in my life– a force that was loving but not gentle, and only too willing to let me learn the hard way. At first I called this force “Obnoxious Coincidence,” but soon the “coincidences” stopped feeling like coincidences.

At some point, I stumbled upon Luciferianism. I had been exposed to various Satanisms before and had always been kind of turned off by them. Luciferianism, on the other hand, seemed almost tailor-made for me! The values of most Satanisms seemed to focus a little too much on egoism and material pleasures. Luciferianism embraced those things, but also made room for altruism, for being a “light bringer” in the world. There was an enhanced focus on rebellion and Promethean generosity. I knew right away that I had found what I was looking for. That was probably in… oh, 2014 or so. 

I started out atheistic. Then I became agnostic. Then I started dabbling in a little witchcraft.  

My hard turn into straight-up theism occurred fairly recently. I freely admit that it was partially facilitated by the suicide of my friend and 12-Step sponsee, and the impending death of my secondary partner by pancreatic cancer. The veil got pretty torn for me. In my time of need, I turned to witchcraft and to Lucifer more than ever before, and I found that the results were beyond my wildest expectations. 

That brings me to today. I am still not fully comfortable calling myself a theist– so many years of atheism and skepticism and Dawkins-worship conditioned me to feel ashamed and embarrassed. But I have started to remember that prior to my major trauma, I was a sensitive, mystical intuitive child, a child who read tarot and had lucid dreams and prophetic dreams. Being a complete woo spiritual fruitbat is actually my natural state. I feel that, in returning to it, I am finally reclaiming some of the last few things that trauma stole from me and that I had not yet taken back. 

I think this entry will be a blend of questions 3 and 4, because it’s hard to talk about one without talking about the other. 

3. What drew you to this path? How long have you been on it?

4. What was your religion/belief before this? How has it influenced you as a Luciferian/Satanist?

This is also gonna be long and weird, so, buckle up. It might also be, hopefully, kinda funny. Enjoy. 

Basically, I was raised New Age/Vaguely Christian/Anthroposophist. If you are wondering what the fuck Anthroposophy is, well, you and me both. I don’t fucking understand it either, and I was indoctrinated into it throughout my childhood.

Anthroposophy is a religion created by this wack Austrian dude named Rudolph Steiner. Adherents like to deny that it is a religion. They call it “spiritual science.” Anthrosophy is a spin-off of Theosophy. Like Theosophy it blends Rosicrucianism, Spiritualism, astrology, Heremeticism… yeah, yeah, if you’re running to wikipedia to look all this shit up, don’t worry, I don’t really know what it all is either. 

TL;DR: imagine a heretical form of Christianity that involves reincarnation, “Jesus” and “Christ” being two different people who merged into one, Christ being the same entity as Archangel Michael, Atlantis being a real thing, Lucifer living on the moon, clairvoyance, weird racism, and interpretative dance. Are you having a hard time imagining this? GOOD. THAT MEANS YOU ARE SANE. 

Anthrosophy is the foundation of Waldorf schools. Waldorf schools like to deny this, so they can pretend they are secular and deserve public funding. 

I went to Waldorf schools from kindergarten through sophomore year of high school. I wrote a bit about that experience here. 

It was really damn culty. There was a lot of religious/mythological education. We had classes devoted to stuff normal kids never do, such as Form Drawing, Veil Painting and Eurythmy. Form Drawing is basically ritual doodling of specific shapes that are supposed to have some kind of occult benefit (that students and parents aren’t really told about). Veil Painting is supposed to prompt children to paint scenes from the other world that we supposedly remember pre-incarnation or something (also not explained to students or parents). Eurythmy is the dumbest looking interpretive dance in the world, but aside from being really embarrassing both to perform and watch, it’s supposed to somehow help with your next incarnations (which, you guessed it, is not a thing they tell students or parents). 

Typical Waldorf propaganda clip of a typical Waldorf Eurthymy teacher, complete with dead eyes and European accent. Save her. 

A really definitive part of the Waldorf experience is being forced to watch a ton of Christian religious plays and pageants. One that was particularly important was the “Paradise Play” which was about the fall from Eden. 

Here is a clip of some very sad and embarrassed Waldorf students being forced to perform it. This isn’t the full play, just the clip that contains the important bit with the snake and the fruit. If you can’t make it all the way through the clip, that’s OK. No one should have to watch this. I had to watch it about five hundred times. BTW, the weird postures that the “actors” are doing are part of the script, are based on Eurythmy, and are exactly the same every time. 

Anyway, I was forced to watch this horrible Eden play so many times that I started to notice that Lucifer was the only likable character, and I agreed with him. Knowledge is good. Blind obedience is bad. God is really misogynist. Fruit is healthy, eat the fucking fruit. 

My read of the Paradise Play was probably the beginning of my Luciferianism. That’s why it’s important for me to see Lucifer as the serpent of Eden, despite the lack of canonical Biblical evidence. In the religious tradition in which I was raised, he absolutely and explicitly was the serpent. I’ve even toyed with calling myself an Edenic Luciferian, to specify that Eden is absolutely the foundation of my particular strain. 

So, anyway, back to Waldorf. I eventually became disenchanted and dropped out. Waldorf and Anthroposophy still haunt me, though. I’ve realized that in some ways I benefited– I have a foundation in knowledge of world mythologies and religions that I learned in Waldorf, including Greek, Norse and Finnish epics and pantheons, Hinduism, Buddhism, the Tanach and the New Testament. Basically I have been engaging with occult concepts since I was tiny, and that’s helpful at times. 

However, there is a lot that was shitty about Waldorf, including the way it gives you this bizarre version of Christian indoctrination and then denies that it is a religious school. I spent years wondering why I had all this Christian damage even though the answer was obvious– Waldorf. I’d just been told so many times that, despite all the evidence, my school and my upbringing were not religious. I believed that lie for a long time.

Also, there’s the racism of Waldorf, and the ableism, and a bunch of other stuff that is… honestly, a whole ‘nother post, or several other posts, because it’s a huge topic and very complex. For now, I’ll just say that I spent a long time in a very segregated and covertly white supremacist environment, and that gave me a ton of bullshit baggage I had to identify and unravel. Thanks, Steiner, you fucking asshole. 

The nice thing about talking shit about Waldorf on tumblr is that Waldorf people hate the internet (and TV, because the demon Ahriman invented them or something) and probably won’t read this. XD 

So, anyway, that’s mostly question 4. I will talk about question 3 a bit more tomorrow. 

Already getting into the alternative questions, because I am a rebel. 

I do have a relationship with Lucifer, yes. My understanding of it so far is that it contains aspects of mentorship, friendship, and a sexual/romantic relationship. But Lucifer is deep, complex, and in some ways, (deliberately) hard to fathom, so I can’t fully define what the relationship is, and I probably won’t ever be able to.

I know a few things that it is not. Lucifer is not the boss of me. He is also not my protector. And he is definitely not the source of all the blessings in my life. These things have been made clear to me.

I have a few different ways of communing with Lucifer. 

The first and most frequent is silent prayer. I pray every morning in the shower. I started doing this because it’s a time when I am consistently alone for about the right length of time, it helped me get in the habit of prayer by tying prayer to another part of my routine… and as a jokey reference to the NA cliche “yesterday’s shower ain’t gonna keep you clean today.” I pray first to my Higher Self/Inner God, an entity that does a lot of the things for me that Lucifer doesn’t do so much (protection, source of blessings, boss of me). I have specific prayers I say every day to my Higher Self, most of which are 12 Step related (serenity prayer and such). Then I just kinda free-form talk to Lucifer. I say hello, remind him that I love him (like he would forget), and kinda generally tell him what’s on my mind. This is usually one-way communication, but sometimes my godphone switches on.

Lucifer godphone, for me, feels a lot like a quiet but insistent little voice in my head, interrupting and contradicting my thoughts. Pretty much like the proverbial angel/devil on your shoulder– except he’s both. Sometimes I don’t know if it’s Lucifer or Higher Self talking, but if the advice is good– and it always is– I don’t care that much. However, Higher Self godphone generally tends to be less verbal and more like a gut feeling. Lucifer is very verbal, and comes through with an attitude best described as “gentle amusement.” He’ll break into my thoughts when I am angsting about something with a “well, have you considered….” and propose a simple, sensible solution I was far away from coming to on my own. Or sometimes, he’ll point out a flaw in my “brilliant” plans that I was not ready to notice. 

Easy specific example– I was considering reaching out to Azrael, the angel of death, and angsting about whether this was tantamount to “inviting death into my life” and some other kinda silly stuff. Lucifer cut in with “Do whatever you want, but did you forget that Azrael is an unfallen angel of Yaweh?” Yep, I sure had forgotten to take that into account, and it was in fact a deal-breaker. (I chose this example because it was simple to explain without getting too much into my personal life, but most of the concerns I bring to Lucifer are a lot more mundane.)

So, that’s my prayer routine. It’s sometimes OK for two-way communication, but it’s designed for on- way communication. 

I get out my pendulum when I really need some back and forth (haha, a pun!).

My pendulum is moldavite (a green stone created by a meteor impact), which I initially charged in this year’s solar eclipse. It is dedicated for communication with Lucifer and Lucifer alone. I used to get other spirits hijacking it, but that hasn’t happened since I warded my house. It also hasn’t happened since I developed my ritual to invoke Lucifer’s presence. It’s a simple ritual, nothing fancy– but I have found it is important to do it every single time. If I want Lucifer on the line, the ritual is like dialing the right number. 

I find pendulum surprisingly effective for communication, especially since watching it swing around puts me into a trance state that deepens the longer the talk goes on. Initially I was skeptical about pendulum, and concerned about problems like feeding the pendulum the answers, and also getting the wrong spirit, but I have found ways to troubleshoot those problems. When I have established a good connection with Lucifer I generally get a realistic mixture of encouraging and disappointing/frustrating answers. I also watch out for pendulum movements which seem weak or hesitant, as I have found these are not characteristic of him. He may sometimes pause before answering, but when the pendulum starts to move, it will be decisive and clear, not weak or wobbly. 

I have had some weird shit happen while using my pendulum, including beginning to see auras, experiencing a body buzz, and having sensations of being touched. I also had my (so far, only) god-sex experience with Lucifer during a pendulum session. 

Generally, when I see the pendulum start moving in a counter-clockwise circle, I know Lucifer has stopped talking for a moment and is about to manifest some shit. 

Downsides of pendulum for communication with Lucifer– the way I have been doing it, I am limited to yes/no answers. Which means you have to ask the right questions. Lucifer is very precise for me. He seems to delight in answering a yes/or no question in a way that is technically true, but misleading because you asked the wrong question. I don’t think this is malicious or “lying,” it’s just another aspect of his hard-ass, hard lesson ethos.

(For example, I asked if a newbie Luciferian friend should learn lucid dreaming to reach out to him, and he said no. I assumed this meant my friend wasn’t going to have lucid dreams about him, because my dumb ass assumed she wasn’t already a lucid dreamer. SHE WAS, AND IS. He said “no” because she didn’t have to learn, not because she couldn’t access him by lucid dreaming!) 

Finally, I infrequently use tarot to get answers from Lucifer. When I invite Lucifer into a spread, the cards act differently. When he gets involved, I see a LOT more inversions than normal. 

One time while I was using pendulum, he straight-up told me to get out my tarot deck because he was gonna give me a reading. While I was shuffling, I saw the Devil card appear when I split the deck, three times in a row. Because of the way I was shuffling, this was, shall we say… statistically unlikely. I got the message. He was there.

It was a really good reading. Witchfather gives great tarot. 666/10 would recommend. 

I pretty much answered Question #1 (Who is Lucifer to me?) with this writing, so I will start with Question #2:

Are you atheist, agnostic, or theist, and why?

I must painfully admit to being a theist. 

In fact, I might be more theistic, and of stronger faith, than the vast majority of religious people in the world. 

I don’t mean that in a boastful way. I mean that in a “this is very awkward” way. 

When you get this far ahead of the bell-curve in terms of belief, you start to seem a little… well, crazy. I call it “the bleeding edge of religion.”

I have a god. I talk to him. That’s pretty normal. 

But you see, he talks back. 

That’s less normal. 

(Although in pagan circles it is fairly accepted to have a godphone, still, I don’t hang out in pagan circles and don’t know that many people IRL who hear their gods on the regular.)

I have felt him touch me. Not metaphorically. I am not talking about a god “touching my heart” here. I mean I have literally felt the sensation of my body being touched by someone I can’t see, and I am pretty sure it was the entity I call Lucifer. 

So yeah. I am a theist because I have had bizarre, vivid experiences which, from my subjective point of view, come close to being “proof.” I have had these experiences despite being a skeptic. I have had these experiences despite taking my meds as prescribed, and monitoring my condition for other signs of delusions and psychosis (they are absent). I am a pretty fucking healthy, functional person at this point, but I still interact with beings that other people can’t see. 

Maybe this is a type of insanity. Maybe that’s what all religion is! But if so, I’ll still take it, because I find this belief, or delusion, to be incredibly beneficial and practical.

As you can see, I still have a skeptical streak. I used to call myself agnostic, but that’s because I thought I couldn’t be a theist and have doubts. I was wrong about that. I have gradually realized that having doubts is a healthy and natural part of being a deeply religious person, especially when one is Luciferian. 

The line between “agnostic” and “hardcore theist who experiences doubt” may sometimes be blurry, but I classify myself as the latter. 

Why? Because I live my life as if Lucifer truly exists. I talk to him every day. A couple times a week, I try to get out my pendulum or my tarot cards and give him a chance to really talk back. 

And embracing my theism has granted me hope, stability, energy, optimism, and a virtually inexhaustible source of strength.